Cultural Identity and Emotional Resilience w/ Francisco Rivera

Cisco's journey from Milwaukee to Green Bay is more than just a geographical move—it's a story filled with heartfelt lessons and candid reflections. Growing up in a large diverse family with financial constraints, Cisco navigated a world where joy coexisted with economic challenges. His stories offer a window into the complexities of cultural identity and familial bonds that defined his upbringing.

Cisco's relationship with his father adds another layer to his story, one marked by absence and emotional turmoil. He recounts the struggle of reconciling with a father whose priorities lay elsewhere and the eventual relief found in setting firm boundaries. These experiences underscore the importance of nurturing relationships that matter and letting go of those that don't. Cisco's journey to healing involves confronting childhood traumas, embracing personal growth, and finding solace in the supportive ties he formed along the way.

It’s through shared interests and unexpected connections that Cisco finds fulfillment. His personal growth is mirrored in his shift from a party-centric lifestyle to one of home-cooked meals and meaningful relationships. As he prepares for marriage, Cisco emphasizes the value of supportive partnerships through life’s highs and lows. This episode is a testament to the power of vulnerability, resilience, and the lasting impact of genuine human connection.

#Podcast #UnturnedStones #MentalHealth #MensMentalHealth #Family #CulturalIdentity #Relationships #PersonalGrowth #Vulnerability #Resilience

Transcript

John: 0:00

Hello and welcome to another episode of Unturned Stones. On today's podcast I'm going to be interviewing Francisco Rivera. Cisco is a guy I met back when I was probably in high school through Andrew McCracken. Andrew is essentially the closest thing I've probably ever had to an older brother and actually he had a very massive influence on me in my teenage years, very positively. But he was four or five years older than me and he was still generous enough to take me around and introduce me to his friends like you and Witty and stuff like that. But back then me and you maybe I'd seen you once or twice in a couple different things. We became Facebook friends. But over the years we've been Facebook friends. I've kind of got to follow your life and see the things you posted. But, um, over that time I've gotten to kind of see more of your personality, because you actually like would post a little bit more like what's the word? Like, um, like content like you actually put out, like you know you would type stuff out like you'd have like a paragraph in a post. Like I got to see, like to see, like he had a pretty fun personality, try, yeah, well, and then more recently I saw that you like started doing your podcast, the 414 Deli, and I was like, oh, like you know, like you'd be a great fit for this podcast, just somebody who I think would have a very like rooted story and, I think, a story that people would relate to. But since you're like, I saw that you had the podcast, I was like, oh, maybe he actually would be willing to, you know, sit down and do an interview like this. So that's why I reached out. So from there I kind of just like, let you introduce yourself to people, kind of say like you know a little bit about yourself, what you do, where you're from, and then we'll kind of dive in a little bit, from like starting at your childhood and stuff from there.

Cisco: 1:45

That sounds good. Yeah, I'm Cisco, that's how everybody pretty much knows me. Let's see, I'll be 40 this year, so that's a big deal to me. We're going to talk about mental health, so aging is definitely one of those things. Let's see, I live in Green Bay now. Born and raised in Milwaukee. I've been in Green Bay now like five years, which is crazy to think about that. I've been up there that long. I moved up there during COVID um, which is probably another mental health thing for people, right, Cause COVID was crazy. Um, I work for a bank. I don't do anything super exciting, it's pretty boring shit. Uh, to be honest with you, um, tax reporting stuff, uh you know. But I've from home and getting married this year in September, so that's a big deal for me. You know, I guess, talk about Andrew. Give Andrew shout out because I know he'll watch. But I met Andrew shit, probably. I was probably like 14 years old. We didn't like each other at first. He, you know, we were the two chubby kids, so, like you, know, he had to be on one team, I had to be on the other team, type of deal. So we were kind of he was like my arch nemesis type of thing, and Andrew's a couple years, one year younger or two years. I think he's like two years younger, maybe not fully two years.

John: 3:00

Like a little over a year.

Cisco: 3:02

Yeah, I'm definitely older. Yeah, I'm definitely older than him. Um, maybe, I think, maybe two years, I think I think he just turned 37 then, so maybe I'm a little over two years I don't know, maybe 37.

John: 3:14

I was thinking he had recently turned 38, but you're right, I think no I think he's 37.

Cisco: 3:17

Yeah, I'm a few years older than him, but um, so andrew was one of the people that's kind of like a little brother. After that we became really close and we're super close now. Actually, just two weekends ago I was up there visiting. I got to see his boys play football, which they were both playing in the championship, which was really cool, and they both won. His youngest son threw a game-winning touchdown. It was super cool. Man, I'm like man to think about knowing him at that age, when you met him working at Ferch's, to where we're at now, it's just crazy to see that. So, yeah, we're super close. I don't know what else to say about myself. I'm a big sports guy, like you said. I have the podcast, the 4 on 4 Deli. It's small, we average about 10 listeners, maybe Sometimes we hit 15, but we mostly do it. It's a good friend of mine. I've known him since probably like I was like 12 or 13 years old and it's just a way for us to stay connected. He's in the military. He's almost 20 years in in the Air Force. Shout out to Ryan uh, it's almost 20 years in in the air force. Shout out to ryan um, and he's. He's, uh, he's my podcast, my podcast partner, um, and it's just a way for us to stay connected and a way for other people to hear what our opinions on sports stuff, whether they care or not, you know. But it's just like two dudes sitting at a table, like you would at a bar, you know, or whatever right. You sit down, talk about sports, and it's just kind of like a way for us to stay connected. I have fun doing it, it's you know, it's a good time. I get to use my creativity a little bit too, which I don't get to do at work, type of stuff. So I love to cook. I guess that's the thing about me too I love cooking. Monday I busted the grill and the smoker out, you know. So like that's another thing that I like to do. But yeah, I don't know.

John: 5:11

I mean Okay.

Cisco: 5:11

No, no, yeah, I like to have fun. I'm a fun guy. I don't like to take life too seriously. You know, I know some people might say, well, you should take life seriously and you only get one crack at this and you got to enjoy it. I think there's no guarantee you know that that you're going to make it to a certain point in life. You know where all that hard work and the things that you sacrifice, you know, um, sometimes you don't see it come to fruition, you know. So it's like well, not everybody can be what everybody else is Right, so you just have to have fun in life, enjoy it. Um, you know, make the best of things, and I think I've started to learn that at like a later age than maybe some other people do. Um, and I don't know like where you want to start.

John: 5:55

Okay, I told you I'm a talker. Okay, that's, we'll come back to that. Let's, let's start with this. So, like, tell me a little bit more about, uh like, parents home life, like that, when you're young.

Cisco: 6:08

So I'm the oldest of four. I have three younger sisters, so I'll be 40, and my next, the oldest sister, she'll be 39, for a week with me before I turn 40. So I've grown up over the same age type of deal. And then my other two sisters are closer in age, I believe they're 34 and 35. Grew up on Milwaukee, southside 25th and Mitchell to be exact Not the greatest neighborhood, you know. It's probably even worse now, uh, than it was when we were there. But I mean, childhood was, it was I. I feel like I have a lot of like uh, suppressed, you know, uh, memories from my childhood. But we did, you know, we had each other, we, our family, always came. My mom's house was like the hub. Our whole family came, always came through the house. So, like we grew up with not a quiet house, not an empty house I mean there was already four of us kids alone, but cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, family, friends, people were always coming in and out of our house.

John: 7:17

So, um, so, so do you say mom's house Cause dad wasn't?

Cisco: 7:22

Oh no, my dad was there.

John: 7:26

My dad was there. My bad, we'll get. We'll get into that.

Cisco: 7:27

But yeah, you know, I'm really. I'm a mama's boy, so I'm close with my mom and like she spent the most time with us. My dad was like there, but he wasn't there. If that makes sense, he's um so and I wanted to bring up the, the people thing, because it has it has had a huge impact on my life. I don't like being by myself, I don't like being in the quiet and being alone. I like socializing. I like partying Not partying like that, but I like there to be gathering, I like to be with people.

John: 7:56

You're an extrovert you feed off energy when people are around.

Cisco: 7:59

Exactly I think that's where that stemmed from, even as a kid, because we again never had an empty house, but so my neighborhood.

John: 8:07

people are always just stopping by.

Cisco: 8:08

Well, it was just that it was family, my mom has seven or six siblings, I think there's seven of them. Total, I think I have 23 or 24 cousins, and then on my dad's side he has three brothers, you know. So they would be there, and my mom was 17 when she had me. My dad was 18. So I mean, I feel like that's an important aspect of what childhood is like, because I mean they were kids, yeah, raising kids, yeah that's hard. That's really hard, but we had fun as kids. We didn't have much, but you know, looking back like it never felt like we didn't have, you know, everything we needed, but there's definitely we didn't have a whole lot, you know, and my dad worked. My mom was a waitress, right, and so you know those are obviously differing hours for kids. My dad worked at Harley um for most of our childhood so he had a good job, made good money, uh, you know. But for some reason we still lived in the ghetto type, you know, and I don't want to call it the ghetto because it wasn't like horrible when we were kids, but it wasn't good. You know, there was gang activity, there was drive-by shootings and that was kind of like the catalyst for us moving. My mom was like no way A guy got. He pulled up, it was a block over from our house, he was in his car, it was two guys with a, I think, two-year-old in the backseat and I don't know if it was like a flash gang signs or something, but people on the porch came out of their house with guns, shot the car up, killed the guy Didn't kill the two-year-old, he didn't get shot, so that was. But that was kind of like the catalyst. My mom was like we can't, like we can't be here and she did whatever she had to do to get us out of there, with or without my dad's help which was without his help, even financially like she just made it work, she got it done. That's when we moved to Bayview which I'm fast forwarding because I was like 11 years old when that happened, but that's where I met. Andrew was in that neighborhood. But to go back, you know it was we made, do you know? We didn't know that we didn't have much. You know because, again, like we did have everything we needed. It wasn't like we didn't go hungry. You know we always had clothes and all that kind of stuff, so it wasn't like any situation like that. But you know the kid downstairs we lived in the duplex and we lived in the upper, the people that lived down in the lower, we were really close with them. The youngest probably would be like Andrew's age. Actually, the difference between us was like, I think, like three years, but he ended up being my best friend, but he had all the toys, he had all the cool shit, and three years, but he ended up being my best friend, but he had all the toys, he had all the cool shit, and I'm like man, I don't got none of that. Like you know, we didn't have that kind of stuff, um, and I so I definitely knew we were different compared to other people.

John: 10:54

Um, I would spend a lot of time at my uncle's house, my mom's brother would you say, this is like a realization, had like like, there must have been an age where, like, like you were still you know it was fully ignorant before you kind of realized oh yeah, like we don't have a ton of money, is that like? Is it like an age that you feel like that came?

Cisco: 11:13

Honestly, I think that it really hit me in high school.

John: 11:17

Okay.

Cisco: 11:17

Yeah, I think that's when it really hit me, because I mean, whatever, we're're gonna probably bounce around. I went to Marquette high school, marquette University high school, which is, my opinion, the best high school in the state, but I don't know if you know anybody that's ever went there. No, I don't think some of those people got a lot of money. And it's funny because yesterday I came into town and we went to spend time at my sister's house, so I passed River Hills and a guy that I had a group project with lived in River Hills. Both his parents were surgeons. So when my mom went to drop us off, to drop me off to do this project, you know you had a ring ring the buzzer, they had a gate that opened and closed, they had this long driveway, they had a tennis court, they had the refrigerator that was flush with the wall and I'm thinking like holy shit, man, like these people got money. You know like it's when you see kids pulling up in Benzes and Beamers. And you know, you know what those kind of cars are. I play with Hot Wheels and stuff. You know I love my little car, so I knew what that was, I knew what. You know what came with that. So I'm like, man, these, this is different. This is different here. You know, and even you know, I remember my mom, because at that point my parents were divorced, so my mom would come to things by herself and I remember her even telling me a story about how she felt like, intimidated, going and and with the other parents, because she was a waitress, single mom, you know, and these people were much different places in life. And she said that one of the priests pulled her aside and said you know, don't you belong here, you know, and so that helped her out. But that's kind of how it was for me too. I'm like it was an interesting place to be, just socially, because so I'm Puerto Rican and I'm three-quarters Puerto R. Socially, because so I'm Puerto Rican and I'm three quarters Puerto Rican, my dad is Puerto Rican, my mom is half Puerto Rican and then she's half. Uh, well, that's up for debate, but she's half white. We'll just pay. Like some people think, we're German and Polish. But my sister actually found out we're not German at all, we're actually Polish. But, um, same situation with her is her dad never taught her Spanish. I didn't know Spanish, so, being in this school, there was some small amount of Hispanic kids, but they were all from the south side, milwaukee, you know, from from the not so good areas. They all spoke Spanish. They were like they grew up in the culture and I didn't, so I didn't really fit in with them. But then I didn't fit in with the white kids, you know, uh, so it was. I I had a similar experience to what she was having. You know, she was having it at the, at the parent level, and I was having it at the kid level. Um, you know so that, but that's when, when all these people had computers, you know, like, they had internet. I'm like I didn't get internet till junior year, high school, you know. So that's crazy to think about. These kids got internet now, like, that's not even. It's like, uh, it's not an amenity anymore. It's a necessity, yeah, and it's like for school work yeah, we didn't have that, you know, and so things like that reminded that's when I really started like, oh yeah, we don't, we don't got it, you know. But, um, again, we always had everything we needed. We had food, we had clothes. You know, we never went without anything. We just didn't have that a lot of the extra stuff, you know.

John: 14:27

So, um, I can relate to that. I feel like, uh, you you grew up with a sister that was very close to you in age. Yeah, like we have, you also have like this camaraderie and like your family with somebody like you, almost like things are very lightened so like you don't think about other things, you still have fun at home, you know. Like you're not thinking about like, oh, like, do I have the nice shoes that they have or not, because at the end of the day, you're kind of like, because it sounds like your family, like having family always come through, like family always around.

Cisco: 15:09

Yeah, when you're a little kid, like you don't think about that stuff because you're almost, like you do get focused on family time and get focused on, like, the fun you had as a kid. Yeah, and like I mean, so I I'll give it my aunt, my godmother, um, she would. She, I remember this. This is the story. I was a kid. My mom would take us to payless shoes. I don't even know if people know what payless shoes is. Um, so my aunt said, my godmother, she's my, my mom's sister, she was my godmother. She was like, oh no, you're not putting that boy in payless shoes. So, from as young as I can remember, my godmother always bought me shoes. She bought me twice a year. I got them for the beginning of school and then I got a pair at Christmas and I always saw Nike, reebok, like I, always. I always had pretty nice shoes in, you know, from from her. So, um, and then I'm trying to think too, when I got to about it was about middle school, high school is, uh, I had a cousin who lived with us for a little bit and, uh, I won't, I won't put his business out there, but he had nice clothes, know, doing extracurriculars, and so he would let me use, you know, tommy Hilfiger and Nautica and but so, like, those are the things that I couldn't get, because my mom couldn't afford for me to have those kind of things. So I would wear his stuff, you know, and so I always thought it was cool, like man I got, you know, I got this nice jacket on and um, stuff like that. So I think there was like little moments here and there where you realize like, okay, we don't got it, but we again, when you grow up and at least you have the necessities and what you need, you really don't realize what you're missing out on until you come in to, you know, have an experience with other people or something like that it sounds like you had a really great support system then I mean my, my, yeah we did like your godmother, like being willing to buy, yeah, every no, we did, and I, I think so, like we'll go back to being a kid. My uncle, frankie, uh, who's my dad's brother, he lived with us for eight years and he, I mean, he is one of my favorite people in my whole life. Um, like, I love, I love him to death, like he was there. He would go to school functions, he would go on field trips, you know, he would get my sisters and more like he was more like when my sisters, my two youngest sisters, um, you know, we're going to school, but he would get them ready, he would do their hair. Um, you know, and he was fun, he was cool, um, he was a bartender and you know, he, I don't he, just he was just a cool guy and he was a very loving us and actually I sometimes I feel bad because he struggled with his own kids later on, you know, and I felt like, wow, he gave all of his energy to to us, to us, for because, I mean, I just my dad wasn't a good dad, you know, and that was his brother and maybe he felt like, well, I have to do something, you know, for these kids and, like I said, he lived with us for eight years. So we had him. My cousin Victoria lived with us for a little bit too, so we were really close with her at that time and she did a lot for us. She was more of the disciplinary though, like she kept us in check. Our Uncle Frankie was the fun person. Cousin Victoria on my mom's side was the disciplinary. I had my godmother, my Uncle Sil, who's my mom's brother. I spent a lot of time with him, a lot of time in my childhood. He has three boys they're all older than me. He worked for the fire department, his wife was a cop and so like. At that time you had to live in the city. If you worked for the city of Milwaukee you had to live in the city. So most of the time those people lived either on the most Southern border of Milwaukee, so like close to like Greenfield and Greendale or Oak Creek, stuff like that, or they lived on the far north, so like maybe close to Menominee Falls and stuff like that. So my uncle lived on the northern part of Milwaukee and he had a nice house, tri-level house. He had a half court basketball court in the backyard. His kids were involved in sports, so they had everything baseball stuff, basketball stuff. They played hockey. They were hockey players all three of them and they so like it's funny, because I just passed his house. I took my fiancee past there yesterday because we were driving past and because I spent a lot of time there, I wanted to show her and that was. I always thought he was rich. I always thought he was rich, even though, you know, he worked for the city Not that he had a bad job, you know but I was like man, trial of a house. They got all these, you know, they all got the toys. It was, you know, a really nice house. They had the basketball court. Their neighbor had an in-ground pool. Like I was like man, this is a nice place and at that time they had fields around them, right. So like there wasn't all these housing developments. So you felt like you were far away and it took a long time. I mean, you're going from the south side of Milwaukee to like 91st and Good Hope. I was like man, you live so far away, like this must be where all the rich people live, you know. So like I used to think that he was rich and not you know he was well off or you know he was, he was. He was comfortable. But from what we had and where we lived and going over there and spending a lot of time there, I was like man, you know, I always thought like, oh, they got so much there. My uncle's rich, you know, he's helping, my uncle still is rich, you know. And but I spent a lot of time there and I give I'm thankful for that because I don't I don't think I would have like succumbed to the streets in that, in the neighborhood that we lived in before we moved to Bayview. But spending a lot of time with him was positive. He was a positive role model. He still is a great father. He always made sure that he was there for his boys, gave them everything they needed to succeed, spent time with them. If you ever meet him, he would tell this story to you. He's a bar guy. I would meet him for happy hour and stuff when I'm in town, but he would tell the story about how he got scolded by the school because all his boys went to marquette high school. That's where. That's why I wanted to go there, because they all went there and they were all successful. So I equated that in my mind. I'm like, well, they went there they're all successful. I want to go there too. You know, I didn't want to go to milwaukee public school because I didn't feel like. You know, now you're older you're like well, education is what you make it right like type of deal, but for sure, um, I, you know I was like, oh, I want to go there, but um, shit, now I lost my train of thought.

John: 21:16

Um, what was I saying?

Cisco: 21:19

uh, well, like your uncle being successful, yeah, okay uh, so, um, I yeah, I don't think I would have succumbed to the streets, I think that's what I was thinking, but spending a lot of time with him, being around, a positive influence, his kids were a positive influence. I think that definitely kept me from even being tempted to be in that life and I don't think my mom would have let me. She, you know, she was very strict because I do have family members that were part of that life. You know, I've seen my cousins go in and out of jail. I've seen them in hospitals, beat up, uh, shot at, you know, so, like I, there was examples of that. But I think having him and spending so much time with him, that really kept me from from, you know, even dipping my toes in the pool of that. You know what I mean. So I do, I'm appreciative of him. And again, we're really close. Our birthdays are around the same time, you know. He'll, I'll be 40, he'll be 70 this year and yeah, it's, you know.

John: 22:19

Do you, do you recall at that young age you remember being appreciative? Do you remember that Because that's a mature thing for a young kid to feel, or is it in hindsight you kind of realized you were appreciative for the influence he had on you in that?

Cisco: 22:36

sense, I think I was, I think I was appreciative in a way that a kid could be. I was always respectful. I mean, you couldn't.

John: 22:44

You realized that it was a good influence and that you should like.

Cisco: 22:47

Yeah, and maybe at that time I didn't realize that part, but I think appreciation definitely, because I was always, I was always respectful, I always help if they asked me to help. You know, I kind of tried to, I guess, pull my weight there. You know, because I would spend a lot of time there, I would be there for Easter break. You know, because I would spend a lot of time there, I would be there for Easter break you know, spring break, Christmas break, Thanksgiving break, summer break. I once spent a whole summer there, a whole summer break. I was in high school. I spent the whole summer there. It's funny, I just had a conversation with my mom about this. She don't remember and I'm like I definitely spent the whole summer there and he would take me back to my house to get clothes and then eventually I just started washing my clothes at his house, so then we'd have to go back and get new clothes. I spent a lot of time there. I was always respectful and actually it came a point where he would always say you got to ask your aunt, his wife, my auntie Ida. So then I would just stop asking him and I would just go ask my aunt and she never told me. No, I think she told me no once, but she was. She had cancer and she was like you know, no, maybe there's not a good time to come. She eventually passed away when I was in high school. She was in her 40s, I believe. So she's been gone for a while, but I was really close with her and that was probably like the first, the first time I ever experienced like death and losing somebody that we were close to. But yeah, so she was also a positive influence. She was like a mother to me. So, you know, I did have like to circle all the way back to what you asked me. I feel like we did have a really good support system. My mom was always there for us. She did everything she could for us and even to this day she's like that, you know, and sometimes she'll come visit me in Green Bay and she'll be like, oh, let me do it. I'm like mom, just chill out. You're here, let me take care of you. You know let's do the things you want to do. You know, oh, you want me to cook. You know she loves to cook and I'm like Like you know we're going to. You know, I just want to show her that. You know I'm really grateful and I'm appreciated everything she did because she sacrificed a lot. She was I give a little background story. She was like you're going to talk about me today. She was like you can talk. This is what she said. She's like you can talk about me today because I won't watch it. And I was because she's thinking that I'm going to say something bad about her. But she was. My mom was smart as hell and I think sometimes she doesn't give herself enough credit for it. But she went to a technical high school, so boys or tech. Milwaukee Tech was boys tech, it was only for boys. And then she was like the first wave where they allowed girls to go to the school. She was actually the best welder in her class, which is crazy to think about, like in the 80s, you know, having some little old she was. You know she's short and she's small. Like have this little girl, you know, as your top welder. But she went to I think she was in forensics, like a forensics. She went to a thing, an event in Madison, at the university, and she was like, oh, like she tells, like that was the first time she realized, like this, I could do this, like this is an option, because she grew up poor. She grew up tomato sandwiches, mayonnaise sandwiches like she grew up poor. My mom definitely. We had a you and I think that's why she tried to make sure we had everything that we needed, because she, you know, that wasn't her childhood. She had a much different childhood and she's like I remember going to the school thinking, wow, I could do this, like this, this could be my life. She'll tell you. She was like she was dating my dad, you know. She's like I'm going to leave, I can leave him, I'm going to, I want something better in life. And then she said, by the time they were on the bus ride home, she had a feeling that she was pregnant and she was. She was pregnant with me and so, you know, she sacrificed that she didn't get to go to school. She tried to go to school. So she graduated high school early, she had enough credits. Then she had me and she tried to go to school. Then she had my sister and she said there was, at that time there wasn't. There wasn't you know, empathy or sympathy for her situation. You know teachers like, well, if it's not here, it's, it's you don't have it, you know, and so maybe I think she said something like that, that her teacher's like, well, maybe you know you should just go raise kids or something like that type of deal. Uh, don't quote me on that, but that was basically what the feeling I got from that interaction was. So she did, she sacrificed a lot, you know, she could have been something different, but she's a.

John: 27:18

She became an amazing person, amazing mom, you know, and and did she have a big support system back then for no, not for that, so she really had to like grind through that tough time of being a 17 year old who then brought a child into the world, and like now that I've recently been through bringing a child into the world, you know the month that my wife needed me just to like make sure she could, you know, keep some level of function on a day-to-day like that. That's a lot for somebody young to go through and not have a big support system.

Cisco: 27:47

Yeah that's you know that's tough and you can like. If you ask her, the perspective is different, because I think she always appreciates, you know, anything that anybody gives, but in my, my perspective of it, of of just listening to stories and thinking she didn't have what she needed. You know, obviously my dad sucked. He's sucked our whole life as a dad, so she didn't have that to lean on. You know, it's one thing to be, you know, a bad husband, but then you're a bad father too. So she had to compensate for that, you know. And again, her mom, her mom grew up in an orphanage. She was in. She was in an orphanage for a few years as a kid, um, you know, with some of her siblings, while her mom had, uh, my great grandma had some of the other siblings, like she couldn't have them all or something I don't know, like the exact thing about it. But you know, growing up in an orphanage and seeing, uh, some of your siblings not there got to be, you know, a huge impact on your life. So my grandmother wasn't the warmest person. But again, if you ask my mom, she'll say, oh, she loved you so much. She did all these things for you and I don't doubt it, you know. But you know you need a lot at 17 having a kid, and then you turn 18 and you have another kid. You know it's like. I can't imagine how hard that is. I don't have kids at all, yeah, you know what I mean. But I can't imagine, especially in in a, in an age where there is no mental health. There is no, you know, there's none of that, it's no, you just got to go and do it right? Oh, no, you want to spread your legs and you know shit like that like that kind of mentality, you know so um, but I give her. I mean I wouldn't be where I am without her, you know, and I think that that's worth something, you know, and for what she sacrificed. And that's why, like, school has always been a big thing for me, because I know she sacrificed. So, like when I didn't finish school and I dropped out, it was like a huge thing on me. At that point in my life I think that I felt like, wow, I went to this great high school seeing all my peers like, oh, now they're graduating, they're getting careers and they're doing this, and I'm working at Outpost Natural Foods making eight dollars and twenty five cents, you know, an hour, and I'm like man, like, so that was a big pivotal time time in my life too, because I felt like I disappointed her and I let her down. There was a lot of pressure on that to, you know, to go to school because it even on both sides of the family there wasn't too many people that went to college. You know my three cousins, the three boys, uncle Sill's boys, they all went to school. Two went to Madison, my youngest, the youngest, went to Notre Dame. So they're, you know it, just in terms of education, extremely successful. The two. My cousin Mo is the youngest. He's the one that went to Notre Dame. Big influence on my life, one of my, I would. I would consider him like a brother. You know, I spent a lot of time with all three of them, but me and him were the closest, um, and he'll tell stories like when I was a baby I'd pull his hair and stuff like that, you know. But um, so yeah, I seen them and I'm like man, these guys are extremely successful, going to law school, becoming lawyers. Um, my cousin Sylvester, he's the oldest. He lives in South Korea, now has his own school. They teach English, him and his wife. That's awesome. Yeah. So, like you know, you see this extreme success. But then you know you have the other side, where I had, you know, and there's no knock on them, man, like they were gangbangers. They got into that life, you know, selling drugs, going to jail, getting shot at those kind of things. So then you have the in-between, you know, and I feel like we didn't have a lot of the success at the top in terms of you know which. It's all about perspective, right? How do you view success? Some people view it as, you know, you have money, you know you went to school, whereas you get older maybe realize it's not that. But at that time in my life I'm thinking, well, I'm not successful. Like I felt, like, well, I'm a loser, I didn't finish school. You know, I was going for mechanical engineering. So, like people find that out, they're like, oh, wow. And I'm thinking I'm not a dummy, you know, I'm a smart guy, I'm highly intelligent. I just, you know, um just wasn't. For me the school thing was, I went to Marquette University, uh, and when I hear people say, oh yeah, my kids want to go there, or whatever, I'm like no, don't, and I don't know. But just, the culture was crazy man, you know I went, so from my high school there's 25 kids that went to Marquette University, so I would walk around. I would see a lot of familiar faces, no-transcript, and so I'm just like you know, and then they're very, and I know I'm probably, you know, stereotyping or whatever I mean you're stereotyping, but everybody a lot of people around Milwaukee that see kids from Marquette, kind of agree with it.

John: 33:05

Yeah, they were. They just kind of arrogant you know, and they weren't.

Cisco: 33:07

It wasn't like a friendly environment, I think the kids that I connected most with there were what was that program? They were from like the inner city of Milwaukee, you know, and so I ended up, I ended up making friends with them, but I just couldn't take it. I don't know Something about the school just wasn't interesting. Maybe I just went for the wrong thing, maybe, you know, mechanical engineering wasn't where my heart was and stuff like that. But then again, so you pair that with the fact that my mom doesn't have this experience. You know she didn't go to school, she doesn't know scholarship stuff and all that. My guidance counselor in high school wasn't good for me, which is crazy because he's got like awards and he's been recognized, but he just wasn't good for me and he didn't help me in that sense. So I felt like I just didn't have anybody to push me. And you know you should motivate yourself. But when you're like 18, you know, 19 years old, you think you know something and you don't you know. So hindsight, I look back and I'm like man, I should have went somewhere else. You know, I could have went to a lot of other schools, but I was scared to leave. I was scared to leave Milwaukee. I was scared to leave my family. I didn't want to leave my friends. I you know, I didn't want to go somewhere where I was by myself, which maybe ties into growing up with all these people around and having you know that support system. So I do regret that. I regret not leaving because I think maybe I would have been more focused and I probably would have had a different experience and maybe had more fun and finished school. But I didn't leave, I stayed. Were you going home a lot?

John: 34:48

I lived at home. Okay, so you were yeah, lived at home. Yeah, lived at home, I would commute. Yeah, I would take, oh man, to commuting your freshman year. It's just it, really. It adds a lot of stress to the situation of all the change you're going through with college.

Cisco: 35:01

Yeah, and again, like there was just a lot of culture shock for me. You know, like um not having seen people that you're familiar with, not, you know, um acknowledge you. Um, you know I did have one friend that that he did try to take care of me. Uh, my friend Rob, you know we went through a lot together in high school. He lost his mom in high school. I stayed with him every day, um, in the hospital while his mom was in a coma. You know, later on his dad, he lost his dad and I tried to be there for him too. We've kind of gradually shifted away from each other, but he was the only Marquette High School person that really tried to take care of me while I was there and I definitely appreciated that he would use his swipes for lunches so that I could eat lunch with them and stuff like that, because I didn't have the money for it, I wasn't working, I didn't work Again, my mom, she had four kids and I think by that time my dad had lost his job at Harley so he wasn't paying child support. So you can imagine you've got kids waitressing and hostessing. That's a lot. That's a lot to try to keep up on, didn't buy any of my books. Actually, one of my Uncle Sil's friends that I never even met gave me like 500 bucks for books and I was like it was crazy to see like other people step in to help you and then like your own dad not help you, you know, and I think a lot of the stuff that I deal with now it does. I'm not trying to blame him for it, you know, but it does stem from that because I didn't have that, you know, and how much communication do you have at that point with him? I mean, so, like my relationship with my dad has always been like a meh type of thing. You know, my parents got divorced when I was 12 and at that point my mom was like you don't have to go, like there was no mandatory visits and I think at that age anyway, the kid can decide where, whether they want to go or not. So so I told her like I would rather hang out with my friends, I'd rather hang out with Andrew or these guys, you know, than to go by my dad's, because we would go by my dad's and he lived with my Uncle Frankie. So actually, let me, let me, I'll go back. Before he did, he lived with my grandma so we wouldn't want to go because that was there was nothing to do there, you know. But when he lived with my Uncle Frankie we would go, but it was more to hang out with my Uncle Frankie because at that point he had kids and you know he was still a fun, fun guy. You know what I mean. But you know I was especially like in the summer and stuff, I'd rather hang out with my friends. I don't want to go. So I'm trying to think it's more like a. In the beginning, I would say, from probably like my late teens to my early or maybe mid-20s, my relationship with him was kind of like oh, we're friends, but also like fuck you. Like I was angry, like would you see him for Christmas or Thanksgiving? Yeah, I would see him for Thanksgiving. I would stay with my mom, okay, uh, sometimes we would go with him if he was going to my, like he would go to my grandma's. But for the majority we'd stay with my mom because, again, my mom was the hub. Everybody came to her, even even for the first couple years we lived in the bayview area, um, because it did trickle down after we moved from from the south side, people still come over. So holidays were parties with my mom's family, and even my dad's. Some of my dad's family would still come to the parties, even after they got divorced for a little bit. Um, so that's when uncle sill would come, and then I would go with him. So, like I, I would rather be at my mom's house at that point than to be with my dad. So I didn't really go with him too much. Um, it wasn't exciting, it wasn't fun. You know, he didn't take us anywhere, we didn't go to movies, we didn't go on trips. We didn't go, it was just sitting around and I'm like, well'm gonna sit around, I'll sit around at home. Do you have, like, I guess, even going back as young as you can go before the divorce, like positive memories with your dad? Not positive experiences? No, okay, not really. Um, my dad was like real irritable kind of guy, so like if my mom wasn't around, like he would just yell at us we're being too loud. Um, you know he'd be sleeping on the couch. We'd try to turn something on tv. I'm watching that. You know, uh, very controlled everything. We only got to listen to music that he listened to. Uh, we only got to watch what he wanted to watch. Um, it there was. We didn't again no trips. Uh, I actually I remember specifically my cousin, one of my cousins, had a boat and I thought, wow, what a big deal. Like we didn't grow up like that. You know, none of my I didn't have go camping or go up north or any of that kind of stuff. Like we, just we didn't grow up like that. So my cousin got a boat. You know he would always take the guys out on the boat. Now they're, I would say they're all like players, you know, so like they're going having fun on the boat, probably got women on the boat or whatever you know, because he was young. So I remember specifically one situation where I was supposed to go with them. My dad was supposed to take me to go with them and I remember them pulling away and my dad didn't take me with. I remember watching, because we lived on the top level, from the top porch, watching them pull away and thinking like I was supposed to go, but my dad said no, you know what I mean. So like I don't, that's just, he's a selfish person, you know, and there's there's a lot about that, you know. But I don't really have any, any positive memories. One positive memory I have is not even because of him, necessarily, it's I got to meet. So my dad's a musician. He's a salsa singer. He's been in a band since he was, like I think, 12 years old. He'll be I think he's almost 60 years old and he still does it. So he's a musician. And one time at Summerfest they always had one one, one Saturday during Summerfest, before they did this whole breakout thing. Now it's where it's like different weekends, but there was one day where they had a stage and they had Spanish music on that stage, you know, and so his. The band he was in opened up for a pretty, uh popular, pretty famous salsa singer. His name is Tito Nieves, but he sings. I like it, like that. So I got to meet that guy. I took a picture with him shake his hand. He took us backstage. He was like you know, have snacks or whatever and so my dad's band opened for him and then we got to sit backstage and watch him perform Tito Nieves perform and I thought, wow, this is really cool. You know, this is a really famous guy in this genre of music. You know globally maybe not as much, right, because you think about the grand scheme, you take a step back. It's a very small. It's a very small genre of music in the US. I guess you know. But he asked my dad to come sing one of his songs, but with his band, like with the Tito Nieves band. I thought, wow, that's such a cool moment that my dad is out there doing that. And it's actually the only time I've ever felt proud of my dad was that time. And again, I don't even. It was more about the Tito Nieves part and music has nothing to do with us, because he always chose music over us. So I do have like a love hate relationship, because even when my parents got divorced, I stopped listening to spanish music and that's all we listened to because he controlled everything. Yeah, so then I, that's when I started getting the hip-hop and I started to watch, you know, mtv and bet and stuff like that, and I totally, totally like to the point where I even forgot how to dance to it. Like to this day I can't salsa dance anymore, but I used to as a kid, so that was go ahead.

John: 42:52

So growing up as a kid were you walking on eggshells a lot with your dad when he was home. You were kind of walking on eggshells with him a lot.

Cisco: 43:02

We would just be out, we would go outside.

John: 43:04

Okay, we just would be we'd try not to be in the house, yeah, or?

Cisco: 43:07

I'd go downstairs and hang out with Mark is his name. He was my childhood friend, best friend, mark. I'd go down and hang out with them I don't really or my uncles. My uncle lived with us so I'd be with him, but my dad would play the video game. So we had a Sega Genesis but we couldn't play because he would be playing and it was in my room, which I shared with my Uncle Frankie. We had bunk beds. It's funny because you know, my Uncle Frankie is 50-something years old now, but we shared a room. He was my roommate. Funny story when he eventually moved out because he met his now wife, I threw all his stuff out the room. I was mad that he was moving. He'll say that he was like, yeah, I came home and all my stuff was outside, so we had him. So I think we were always entertained with somebody, or I'd spend time at my godmother's house too. Again, we have 20-something cousins, so we'd find somewhere to go. But when he was home and it's hard to remember, I think I repress a lot of it, you know like suppress it where I don't I just I can't even like pinpoint things from my childhood about him, like that's how it was He'd sleep on a couch. You guys can't see the couch here. There's a couch there I'm referencing and we'd change the channel. Like I said, hey, I'm watching that, you know, and we have to turn it back and we just have to sit there quiet. If we're making too much noise, you come yell at us. Uh, I, I remember. Um, do you know those like cheap curtain rods, those white ones?

John: 44:41

oh yeah, you know like they're like aluminum or something.

Cisco: 44:44

I remember he hit me and my sister over the head with one of those because we're making he, we're being too loud for him, um, so yeah, I guess I guess you probably you're probably right in that it was like eggshells and it was only when my mom wasn't home. Okay, when my mom was home he really didn't. Then I feel like maybe he wasn't around, you know, with he had the music, so he'd go band practice, um, you know, so he'd have work, he would go work out, um, he was big into that, working at harley, I think he was trying to be like those jack dudes, you know, and softball he, he did play softball sometimes with my cousin, um, so we would, you know, but we would go and watch that too.

John: 45:22

So but I, I think for the majority of the thing, you probably you're probably right in that assessment like it would be like eggshells walking on eggshells so then, like when he, when your mom and him got divorced at 12 was and he wasn't living with you guys anymore, was life like a little easier in that sense um, I would say so, I felt.

Cisco: 45:41

I felt a little more free, yeah, I mean it's probably negative for my mom, because then you know what I mean. We're probably a little bit rent, more rambunctious and rowdy. Yeah, you know, um, probably a little, probably disrespectful, um, I, you know, I I kind of became a little asshole, I think you could say. But I didn't have that, we didn't have that on us, you know, and me being the oldest and the only boy, so like my sisters, my two youngest sisters were pretty young, I think they were maybe like six and seven when, when my parents got divorced, so it affected them differently, you know, but for me it was like like finally, this guy is gone. And I remember we had an above ground pool and I remember skimming the pool, getting the leaves and shit out, and, uh, my mom and dad came to me and said, hey, we're gonna, you know, we want to tell you that we're going to get divorced. And it was around my, it was like my birthday, my 12th birthday, and I remember my mom said she asked me like well, you know, how do you feel about that? And I told her I said it doesn't matter how I feel, you're going to get divorced anyway. And I didn't care, I was actually happy about it. I always tell people it was like a birthday gift because he was gone and he wasn't there. So it was. I'm trying to think I have a friend. I have a friend that for a long time he didn't, he never met his dad, you know, and we would talk about that and he would talk about how he felt about that. And I told him I said I actually I envy you, I wish I was in your position, because you know this is how I put it you know that there's no hand to reach out for, so you don't even have, you don't reach your hand out because you know there's nothing there. I said I have there's a hand there for me that won't reach out when I reach out. I said and I would rather have your position, where I know there's just nothing there, than to have somebody there that just doesn't put in the effort and is so selfish that their needs are all that matters to them. You know what I mean, and not their kids. And you know I always I tell people, you know, being almost 40, being about to be 40, you know I've had friends that getting divorced, you know got divorced. But when you have kids you get divorced. That's fine, right like that's, but when you bring kids into the world you don't divorce your kids. You know, know, and I guess from my dad's say he never married his kids, you know, like because he was never there in the beginning, anyway, um, but you know he would blame my mom for stuff and at the end of the day it's like you're just not. You're just not a good dad. You know what I mean? Because we don't need anything. We grew up in a sense poor. It's not, we need a bunch of stuff. We really want attention. That's all we want. You know, and I remember, like, going to the music thing. He was in these bands and he would spend all this time. He never wanted us around, he never want my mom around, because you know, and I'm not for people like, and even if he ever, if he ever watches this right now we don't talk um, and so I wouldn't get into that for sure. Um, but I'm not trying to bash him, you know what I mean. Like, this is just real life. You know, he liked chasing women and the music gave him the opportunity to have those opportunities. You know, like, which is crazy, because you're like, it's a local, you're a local musician. But even in middle school he was at summer fest and I went and I ran into a girl that I went to school with and never gave me the time of day where, but I was like, oh hey, you know how you doing. And she's like, oh, what are you doing here? I said oh. I said my. I said my dad's band is playing. She goes, oh, which one's your dad? I said, oh, the singer. So she nestled up next to me. Oh, wow, and all of a sudden I'm getting this attention from her, so I can imagine how it feels for the people that are actually up there. And you know what I mean. Some I don't know maybe women glamorize it or something, you know, but that's what he liked to do. So he never wanted us around at the events. He never wanted my mom around at the events, I would. You know. Sometimes we would go. It's like you know we did get to go and see he'd be at little festivals and stuff like that, and other band members had their kids up there. You know their kids are playing on the drums or the bongos or something, and I maybe at that point didn't think about it. But now as an adult, I'm like I probably really wanted to be a part of that. Like how hard would it have been to take me and introduce me to those things you know what I mean and spend time with me that way. So at the end of the day, all I ever wanted was the time and the attention and we just never got it. None of us, not a single one of us, ever got it.

John: 50:03

So yeah, I think At that young age then, when your mom was like working and, you know, had a job, probably had a lot going on with four kids and I mean even maybe younger than that, before maybe your other two sisters came into the story were you able to spend a lot of time with your mom.

Cisco: 50:23

Yeah, that's all I remember is spending time with my mom. And it's funny because this comes up like she'll say this she says you were my best friend. She'll tell me that. She'll say this she says you were my best friend. She'll tell me that She'll say you were my best friend. We did everything together. She goes, we'd go on walks. She didn't have a car, she didn't drive. She didn't get a car until I don't know, I was like 9 or 10 maybe. So everything was dependent on my dad. He didn't want us in his car, he was dependent on my dad. We couldn't, he didn't want us in his car. He didn't want to dirty his car. He didn't let us eat in the car. We couldn't do anything, we barely were in the car. You know what I mean. Like it was like. That was like he looked cool, living in that neighborhood, having that kind of car, you know, and at the time it wasn't even. It was a blazer, you know, but it was brand new. He would wash it. Like every week he was out there washing his car. It was his pride and joy, you know. But in those neighborhoods you looked like somebody, you know. He had jewelry, he had clothes, he had nice shoes. So, mind you, we're going to. You know, and maybe this is after that, but my aunt is the one buying me the nice kicks after that, but my aunt is the one buying me the, the nice kicks. But he's got. He had all the grant hills, every grant hill, fila um, which maybe now people are like fila man, what the hell is that. But at the time it was a popular, you know popular thing. So like again, like he had all these things. So we spent all of our time with our mom.

John: 51:46

We were never with him, so did you ever want to like, imitate him and want to like? Did you desire you know high end things like that because you saw your dad dress like that at all as he did? Or or did because you did not really put him on a pedestal at all as a father? So did you not really?

Cisco: 52:02

I don't know if I really understood what, that he had things and we didn't. You know what I mean. Like I don't think it ever clicked to me until I became an adult that this guy was spending his money on himself and not his kids like it. It didn't register to me and I think again it goes back to like my mom made sure we had, you know, whatever we, whatever we could. My aunt always bought me shoes so I always had you know like name brand um shoes. So I never really had to worry about that. But maybe like in middle school, but by that time my parents were divorced already, they were getting divorced in middle school. Because in middle school is when I started to see like oh man, these kids, some of these kids, they got Guess jeans, they got Nautica stuff, they got Jordans, they got Timberland boots. It was a big thing. I always wanted timberland boots but they were like 100 bucks or whatever. You couldn't get timber. There was. You know, I got one pair. This is funny. I got one pair of timberland boots, the wheat, you know the standard, uh, and I was so excited about having these and you know, I didn't know at the time, when you buy blue jeans. You should wash them to get the dye out. And I wore them. It was like rainy and then it stained my timberland boots from the jeans and so then my mom was like, oh, I'm not buying you another pair of those, like so I've ruined them and I never, I never got them again till I became an adult. Then I realized I had wide feet and they don't really. They hurt my feet and they're not good for my feet anyway. Oh man.

John: 53:35

Must have been so disappointed I was.

Cisco: 53:37

I'll tell you what Picturing it in my brain right now that blue ring around it. I'm thinking where did this come from? And it's not until later on that I realized like, oh, you know, you've got to wash your jeans and get that dye out so it doesn't stain your shoes. But yeah, I don't know. I don't think I registered that he had things that we didn't you know and put it together that it was because he was using his money on himself and not us. And it's funny, right before I came here so my sister's in town she lives in England, my youngest sister she's in town, so everybody's at my mom's house right now my mom was making breakfast and she was braiding my hair so I could come here. Yeah, I like my hair getting braided. We were talking about this story because my youngest sister, me and her we have cut my dad off, um, completely. Like we did it kind of in tandem almost just just a few months ago and we were talking about um me coming on the podcast here with you and she was like well, like you know, you should name the episode. Ask if you can name the episode you know and the and we came up with the name and it was called french toast sticks, and my nieces was like what french toast sticks, like what is that? So I just told the story to her. When my mom would waitress in the morning on the weekends, my dad would drop her off and then he would bring back burger king breakfast but we would have to share a box of French toast sticks. Like he would give us two boxes to share for the four of us and he would have like five boxes for himself. So that's where. So, like me, it made me think of that, cause I'm saying he's buying feelers, he's buying jewelry, he's buying clothes for himself and not for us. That was the same thing, but we just never realized like this guy was just selfish and greedy. You know what I mean.

John: 55:30

Because you guys were just happy at that point that you had something for yourself.

Cisco: 55:43

Yeah, and we just having those kind of things. The only people I saw dressed like had like the nice stuff were like my drug dealer cousins. So, like you know, in my head I'm like, oh, there's a reason why. You know, they had all the cars and all this stuff. Like I'll never forget. Forget, my one cousin got out of jail. He was in jail for like two, three years maybe. Got out, had a durangos, were new, that the the dodge durangos or whatever it just came out. He had a brand new durango on 20 inch rims with the tvs and the headrests and the playstation was new and playstation. And I was thinking like, ah, okay, this makes sense why these guys had all the nice stuff, nice shoes and nice clothes, you know, but for my dad was just he was spending all of his money on himself, you know yeah, yeah, man.

John: 56:21

So okay now, like as a kid, then like obviously like you're very close to your mom, were you able to like be very vulnerable, like emotionally vulnerable, with your mom at a young age as well?

Cisco: 56:33

um, I don't know. I mean, I don't. I feel like I come. I'm like the last of the generation where it's like shut up and suck up type of deal right like there was no. You know, there's no crying in baseball type of thing you know what I mean? Yeah sure I think my mom knew, like my mom always overcompensated for the fact that he was not a good dad.

John: 56:59

So I think it was hard to feel it because we had enough from her and she just poured so much love into you that you, like you didn't necessarily feel like you ever had anything to complain about or like, yeah, I didn't, I didn't really know there was anything missing per se.

Cisco: 57:14

You know what I mean, like, maybe not directly and at that age it's hard to um to process all of that. You know what I mean and like and to to understand that, okay, I'm not, I'm getting all this from one person and so, like, I don't know, I I I'm trying to think, I don't think so. I don't know how vulnerable I was and I think it really poured out when I became an adult. I think that's when things started to really come out and like Like you recognized mental health.

John: 57:43

Yeah, you recognized that. Hey, I have mental health I have to take care of it.

Cisco: 57:46

Well, not even that. I just became angry. Okay, you know angry, you know, like I so like being emotional or being vulnerable, and I don't know if I would have recognized it at that point. But now it's like. My fiance has taught me a lot, like, we've been together five years, I've known her for six years. We, you know, we get married this year. She taught me a lot about trauma, mental health, boundaries, you know, like, like, recognizing that people's behavior and how it affects you. You know, and it's because I carried I always carried a lot of guilt from a previous relationship and she helped me navigate that Like, like, yeah, you have your part that you're accountable for and that you're responsible for, but there's other things that were happening people, the way people treat you and things like that. So I do give her a lot of credit because if it wasn't for her, I might still not really know. You know a lot of things about mental health and stuff like that. She taught me a lot of that. So now, so that's another crazy thing is to be almost 40 years old, starting to unpack things in the last, you know, few years, thinking, oh, wow, like this shit really had a toll on me mentally, you know, and throughout my life, and maybe there's things that have happened in my life or decisions that I've made or not made that have been impacted by these things, and I didn't really recognize it until now. And I always tell people when I even you know like I expressed the feeling about school and now, and I always tell people when, like, even you know, like I expressed the feeling about school and, um, you know, my weight has had a a big impact on my life too. Uh, mentally, and to you know, I wouldn't change anything because of where my life is at now, the person that I met, you know, the friends that I have, um, you know, just the experiences in life. I wouldn't change anything, you know. So, like it's be like, oh, do you wish you would have went to school? Do you wish you would have finished this? Do you wish you would have worked out more? Do you wish you would have played football in high school? And I'm like, yeah, but like I wouldn't go back and change any of those things because of everything that I went through, you know, and that was like a thing to like high school, like everybody, high school, like everybody, the coach always tried to get me to play football. Hey, man, you're big, you play offensive line, you go out there. But I was like, nah, man, I'm lazy, I don't want to run, I don't want to practice, you know, and I think like a lot of that even stems from, like seeing my dad. Like my dad, never I played Little League baseball right, he never. We never sat out, played catch. He never took me to batting practice, showed me how to swing or nothing like that. Um, you know, and I sucked at baseball. I'll say that I remember, and I remember becoming so frustrated about it, you know. But there was my mom didn't have like the time to, you know, she was working. She would work nights a lot, she was a waitress, so throughout the the week she would work, you know, dinner shifts, because that's where you make more money, breakfast on the weekend. So she worked mornings, where you make your money. So you know it would be him and then he'd be focusing on, uh, you know band stuff, you know practicing, listening to music. So I didn't have anybody like that to to really get me involved in sports. So I think I might have picked up on like his lack of motivation, you know, for those things um and so, yeah, I don't know I, but in terms of figuring out, like, what has affected me, a lot of it is just more recent, so it's like trying to unpack years and years of stuff um and process it within these last you know, maybe 10 years or so.

John: 1:01:12

So that anger that you kind of talked about that came out like in your 20s more then? Yeah, Okay.

Cisco: 1:01:18

So, and I'm trying to think, probably late teens, late teens, like I'll give you, this is the first instance where I think the anger really started to come out. My sister, the middle sister, maritza is her name. She was in high school. She went to Wisconsin Lutheran. She was varsity track as a. I'm pretty sure she was varsity track as a freshman Cheerleader, straight-a student cheerleading. They got invited to go to Nationals, which was in Florida. Now, every, each cheerleader had to pay for their own way. So they did like fundraisers, but that only gave you so much money. And she asked my mom said, hey, like this is what it costs. Now, again, single mom, at that time I still think she was waitressing, hosting, and then four kids, right. And so my mom says well, I can pay for half, like ask your dad if he can pay for the other half. So she calls him At this point he's is he married at this time? I think I think he's married. If not, he's with his now wife. And, um, you know, he was like well, you know, I gotta talk to her, you know, and see if we can pay for this. And you're gonna have to earn it. You're gonna have to come over here and do chores and pick up dog shit in the yard and stuff like that, and to me I'm like she's earned this. She's a straight-A student, varsity track, varsity cheerleader. She's earned this. You could just give this to her. You know what I mean. That's how my brain was working at the time. So he went through this whole spiel of how, even through all this stuff, it might not be a no. I got to talk to my wife or again. I can't remember if they were married at that time, but I don't want to name drop it, so I'm not going to say her name. But my sister made a comment because she has my dad's wife has an autistic son and she has my dad's wife has an autistic son and she said well, if this was for him, she wouldn't ask you, it would just be a done deal, Because that's how that's true. There's nothing fiction about that or false about that. That is a true statement, as it should be right. You know you're going to do whatever you got to do for your kids and he lost it on her. He flipped. Don't you ever put his name in your mouth. Mind you, she's in high school and he's a grown ass man at this time. Don't you ever put his name in your mouth. And you're not my daughter. I don't have a daughter and all this stuff on the phone with her. So I'm in the. I'm in my mom's basement because that's where we hung out. It was like a refinished basement. I believe Andrew was here for this event, but a couple other of my guy friends were there. And she comes down crying and she's like you know, and then she explains. So now I'm embarrassed because I'm like all these dudes that are in this room with me right now, they all have good dads. Their dads wouldn't do shit like this. You know what I mean. And I'm like here I am the one guy with the shitty ass dad with my sister, who's a great student athlete, doesn't get into trouble. I'm trying to think if she might have been too young to even have a job at that time, because I think she was like a sophomore. But like this is. This is what you're doing, this is what you choose to say to this high school girl, and you're a grown man, you know. And she, this high school girl, and you're a grown man, and she didn't disrespect you. She told you something that was true, because it should be the same and I don't have that situation where I have kids coming into a new relationship. But if your partner is going to do everything they want to do for their kid, it should be equal. Then you should be able to do the same for your children and for him. His children were all older, so you didn't even have to do for their kid. It should be equal. Then you should be able to do the same for your children and for him. His children were all older, so, like you didn't even have to do anything for us, you had two left in high school and that was really it. You know what I mean, and it was a golden opportunity for you to step in and be a good parent. So you know what I got you. I want you to have this experience. I want you to be able to go to Florida and compete with teams from across the nation, right, even if you guys don't win, you're not good or whatever, you got invited. Enjoy the fucking time. Because I didn't do this stuff. You know I want better for you than I had. But he fumbled it and I remember being so mad and just like I was embarrassed. I was mad because I was embarrassed. I wasn't even mad like at him, like, really, I was embarrassed because I'm like I was embarrassed. I was mad because I was embarrassed. I wasn't even mad like at him, like, really, like I was embarrassed because I'm like all these dudes their dads wouldn't do this, you know what I mean. So, like at that time I was working at Outpost Natural Foods, you know, and I told my sister, I said, you know, I said we'll make it work, like we'll figure it out so you can go. And my mom figured it out. My mom, you know, she made it work. But so I stopped talking to my dad so he would text me. So this is when, like you could, yeah, you're paying for text. You know you got X amount of text, you know.

John: 1:06:22

Paper text you know $2.50 a month.

Cisco: 1:06:25

Yeah, kids don't know about this stuff. Like now, you know texting is free, but you know you had a call past seven for the minutes to be free and stuff like that, so I stopped answering his texts, I stopped answering his calls. I didn't really I didn't know how else to deal with it, right, like looking back now as a grown man, I would address that differently, but I ignored, I just stopped. I was like you know what? I just don't want nothing to do with you, bro and he showed up at my work and after like a couple of weeks and it's funny because we played this game at work at the time so I'm Hispanic guy. There's another guy, dwight, my homie, he's a black guy. And then the other guy, mike, was a white guy. Anytime we saw somebody weird, you know, or whatever, they saw like a crazy looking hispanic dude, but hey, your dad's out there, right? Or if we saw like a, you know, hey, man, your mom's out there. You know, it was just like a little game we played. So they came back, you know, I'm in, I'm in the shipping area, and they're like, uh, oh, your dad's out there. And I was like, oh, yeah, whatever, man, you know, it's probably just some crazy looking guy. They're like no, no, your dad's out there. And I was like they're like yeah, he's got bluetooth. And I immediately because my dad, I don't know why, I don't know why he thought he thought it was cool or something. I'm like it looks stupid, just walk around with your bluetooth in your ear all day and they were like yeah, he's got a bluetooth. And I was like shit, that's him like this is not a game, this is real. So I went out there. Sure enough it was him. I was like, what do him? I was like, what are you doing here? He's like you haven't been answering my texts or my calls. I said, yeah, I haven't. I said I'm mad. He's like, oh, is this about your sister? He goes because that's none of your business. That's what he told me. I said, well, I'm her older brother, so I made it my business. And you have to think at the time I'm the man. I became the man of the house at 12, right like not like I'm working and providing, but I'm the only male figure in the home. You know, my mom was working and I'm watching my sisters after school and, like it was low maintenance, I maybe did some homework with them or something here and there. Like it wasn't, we played outside, made, I just made sure that they were alive, basically I was a babysitter, you know so I took that role and I was like, well, you know what I mean, I'm what I'm. All they have, you know, they don't have anybody else. So I said, well, I made it my business. And then I said he was he. I don't know what he said after that, but I remember telling is there anything I can help you find, sir? And he was like no. I said, well, you have a good day. And I walked away and a couple days later I got a call from my grandma, from from his mom. Oh, you know, your dad told me that you told him fuck you and he's not your dad anymore. And I said I told my grandma. So you know, your son's a liar, right? I said you already know this. I said I didn't say that to him and I told her what happened and she was just like oh, you know, that's okay. You know, this is a little puerto rican lady, you know, and she always wants to see the best in people, you know. So I I think. I think she knows that he's not a good dad, I think she knows he sucks, but she doesn't really want to like, uh, accept it, maybe you know, but so I just you know that was like it's her son, so she like wants to hope for the best. Yeah and so. But that was like this is what you chose to do. One, you chose to do this to your daughter. Then you chose to spin this narrative to somebody that I was, you know, disrespectful and even if I had said that you deserved it anyway, but I didn't, you know. And so that was like when I first started to be angry at him and I started to be disrespectful to him. He would comment on every single Facebook post I had and I would say slick shit to him, you know, because I didn't care anymore. I'm like, dude, you're like in my eyes at that, like you're a loser, you're a nobody. Like this is what you're choosing to do. Like this is okay. I'm starting to realize it, you know. But the thing about about that, about being angry, um, I learned this from my fiancee anger is a secondary emotion, you know. It's like it, it's a byproduct of something else. But at that time I didn't know that. I was just angry and it bled into a lot. I started to drink a lot um, I would probably so when Andrew was living on Marquette campus. So that era, that era of my life, I drank a lot. I started to drink a lot I would probably so when Andrew was living on Marquette campus, so that era, that era of my life, I drank a lot. I drank probably five times a week, you know. And this you know. You think, oh, you're a kid, you're partying, you know. But I was an alcoholic at that time and I have. I think a lot of it had to do with anger. Anger from him, disappointment from not finishing school, because at that point I'm like, not 21 yet. But people are starting to graduate, people are starting to get careers. You know what I mean. I had friends even get married already and I'm thinking like man, here I am making$8.25 an hour at this place. Like I went to Marquette High School, one of the best high schools in the state, you know, like't finish college. So I was. It was just a lot, you know, but it compounded, but I would. I would say most of it came from just being angry, you know, and I was mostly angry at him uh, for just not being there for us. And yeah, it was. It was a long, a long span of time that I drank like that, you know, like I would drink bottles probably went through like two, two, three bottles of rum a week, partying down there like seven, six dollar bottle san juan rum. Oh yeah, no, paid, we're not. Uh, yeah, but that was my thing, san juan, um, you know. But a lot of that was just trying to trying to suppress what I was feeling because I didn't know how to process it Again at that time, rich kids went to therapy. That's what my mentality was right Like, oh, rich people go to therapy, that's a rich thing, that's a white thing, you know, like that's not, like I don't need that. You know what I mean. I just recently got to a point in the last couple years where I'm like I should probably go to therapy. You know what I mean, and I think it takes a lot to accept it and then it takes a lot to get there. So, like, for people watching, I know, like I've never watched I'll have to put this out there I've never watched your podcast or listened to your podcast. That's totally fair, that's totally fine. We listened to some clips yesterday, me and my fiance, and it seems like a lot of the people that are here have taken those steps. You know, they've went through their things, their journey, and you know I'm not, maybe not quite there, but hopefully, like I know we're not done. I'm not trying to wrap up, but I just hope that people take this and maybe might resonate with them right, they can relate to it and say, man, it's never too late to recognize and get there. You know, and I mean it takes a lot. It takes a lot to get there. I think the older you get and the more shit you go through. Uh, it takes longer to process and to get there and to you know, to do the things like I had to do, I had to cut my dad off, you know, and that was like the beginning. You know, that was the beginning. Um, but yeah, the, the drinking I I do. I do think for man, probably like a good five or six years, I was probably you could consider me an alcoholic, you know what I mean. Like it wasn't like I woke up, needed to drink, but it was like once you pop, you don't stop, and I think that's most people don't think. They're like oh, you know, I don't, I do that. You know, if you do it once a month or you know once every couple months, that that's just to me is a normal, okay, but when, like at that point, I'm going down by Andrews, I'm getting drunk every day. I'm not having one drink casually. We're getting fucked up, we're partying, I'm driving, drove a lot. I consider myself lucky to be alive and to not be in jail, because there was some times where I had a party. My mom went out of town and I had a party. I invited everybody. I invited a buddy of mine who lived on the Marquette campus. I was like dude, just come over, like I'll give you a ride home before I go to work in the morning. So I woke up in the morning and he was gone. He wasn't at my house. I'm thinking, man, where the hell did he go, you know? So I go to work and I'm texting him like hey, man, like, call me, like what happened to you? What happened to you? So while I'm working I get, yeah, he calls me and leaves me a voicemail. And I listen to the voicemail and he's like what did you? He was like what are you talking about? They called me back. And so I called him after work. I said dude, where did you go? He was like you took me home last night and I was like what? He was like yeah, you took me home, we partied, everybody left, and then you took me home Because you said you didn't want to have to wake up early Because I had to work at like 6, close um. Have you been? Oh, you, probably. I don't know if you ever been. Have you been when andrew lived in bayview? no, no okay so outpost was not far from where we live, uh, or where we grew up or where my mom lived, so I walk, I would walk to work. So then I had to rush home because my mom was out of town, so I parked in the garage. So I'm like, well, I gotta go. Look at my car, like did I hit anything? Did I hit somebody? Like I'm freaking out, you know, and I get there. Luckily everything's good. But he was like he was, you know. He was like what do you like? You were fine last night and I was like, nah, bro, I don't remember any of that. I said I remember zero of that and that probably happened to me, probably like six or seven times during that time frame that I drank a lot. So damn, like it was. I definitely am lucky, I'm definitely lucky for that. Um, and I feel really bad about it too. Like what started to pull you out of it? I think just maturity, like just recognizing that like that's not, it's not a good decision. I think, too, it became more, more of a home body, so like at this point, so like it stretched from partying with, you know, college age to I got it after I left outpost. I got a job working at uh slaughterhouse.

John: 1:16:02

That wasn't the one that was next to pottawatomie oh, okay, yeah yeah, it would smell like shit and the summer's real bad, yeah, I worked there for five and a half years.

Cisco: 1:16:10

I worked there and, uh, even there we would get out of work early and we made friends with this guy who knew the owner of this little mexican bar on the south side and we would get sometimes we'd get out of work at like 10, 30, 11, because it was all production, and he would just call the guy up, he would send the bartender there, they would open for us, we'd be drinking there. I get home about 4, 30 pass out because I was drunk and so I think even like so once, that kind of once I left there and I you know, when you're not in the situation you don't work with people, that things become less convenient. So, like it was convenient because a group of us, like four of us, we got out of the work at the same time, we'd all go there and drink, do the same thing. So when I didn't work there, then it was there wasn't that communication Like hey, we're going to be here and stuff like that. So I think it was just a matter of circumstance too. That kind of pulled me out of that.

John: 1:17:04

And you are who you spend most of your time with. So if you're spending time with a bunch of people that's what they do after work you become them. You do that. Yeah, it's convenient, Right.

Cisco: 1:17:13

Like it's convenient, you know. And again, I don't blame anybody, like it was my own fault, but looking back at it I'm like, yeah, man, I had a problem.

John: 1:17:23

So like what age were you at the end of this period of your life? Like what? 30. 30?, okay, yeah, probably around that time.

Cisco: 1:17:39

Again, I became less about going out to the bar, more staying at home.

John: 1:17:42

I started getting into cooking, so I would cook.

Cisco: 1:17:44

That's when you started posting a lot more cooking stuff, right, yeah, so now I would rather have host people Like you guys come over here and we could party and then you choose you want to stay or you make your decisions as an adult, like I would never like. Um, because you get to a point where you realize, like you, people are going to do what they want to do, no matter how hard you try. You know, hey, man, just stay the night, sleep on the couch, whatever they're going to go, they're going to go. So at that point I'm like, well, I just got to protect myself. Like I'll feed you guys, we could drink here, we, you know, I got, we I'd order boxing, pay-per-views and we'd watch packer games and bucks games or whatever. So I just got more into like being a homebody and hosting yeah, which is my mom, my mom was always hosting. Like I said, we were a hub. Like every holiday, even if people started dinner, thanksgiving dinner somewhere else, they always ended up by my mom's house, my mom's, giving them leftovers, fixing them plates, plates, we're getting drinks, they're playing cards, that like, so, like. I think I really missed that aspect of life because once, like a few years after we moved to Bayview, that stopped. People stopped coming to my mom's house like that, um, at that time, man, this is this is crazy to think like dating myself but the freeway didn't, you know, the home bridge stopped there at the port of milwaukee. It didn't go into bayview like it now goes all the way to pennsylvania the airport they didn't do that at first. So if you wanted to come to bayview, you had to go the long way. You had to go the chicago way, which I'm not good at. What is that? Uh, nine, I don't know. Is that 894?

John: 1:19:11

yeah, is that coming up from 894,?

Cisco: 1:19:13

yeah, so you have to get off on like Chase or not Chase is that Morgan? You get off on Morgan like there's a pick and save over there. It was a long way to go.

John: 1:19:23

Howell, howell yeah yeah, you get off on Howell.

Cisco: 1:19:25

You would get off over there, so it was a longer way to go. So people thought like, oh, we moved so far away. Then they start to think, oh, my mom thinks she's better than people because she moved out of the ghetto area and stuff. So like slowly people stopped coming to visit. So I think maybe I was just tapping into like, oh, I miss this aspect of life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still like to go to the bar and socialize now, but now it's more about socializing. But at that time I didn't realize that I was just suppressing feelings.

John: 1:19:54

Get drunk, you don't feel, you're not, you know so and so, like between that age of like 30 to like what, 34, 35, before you met um your fiance, that like you were drinking less, but you're, you're still kind of drinking a little bit. Yeah, yeah, I was more Like more casual.

Cisco: 1:20:12

Yeah, I wasn't doing that blackout Like literally every time I drank during that other, during like the early 20s to almost 30, it was like blackout, like I wouldn't remember shit Okay.

John: 1:20:23

So then, during this period, were you actively working on, like trying to improve anything, or were you at least just like not making things worse, you weren't repressing things more? Because, like it sounds like a lot of your growth obviously came once you met your fiance and she started teaching you a little bit more about how to like, yeah, frame some stuff.

Cisco: 1:20:40

Um, I think I was just, I still was navigating, okay, like I don't. I just think that, um, I just things started to obviously spending money to rails. I can't keep spending money, although going to when I worked at the slaughterhouse, that bar you go there with 20 bucks. You could leave with four dollars and be pretty pretty fucked up because this is, and I and I missed the place because it was it was, the experience was fun. So, like, I'll just give a quick example. I know people probably don't care about this shit, but if we went with four guys, right. So the first guy buys around. Second guy buys around well, pablo the bartender, who was cool as shit, he would buy around right. Then the next guy buys around well, the one guy that started taking us there, he knew everybody because he had been going there for like 14 years. He was an older guy. Well, oh, the guy at the end of the bar knows him. Oh, he's buying us around. Right. Then the owner pops in hey, how's it going, guys? Oh, shots for these guys. Then we're getting shots from the owner, then the, by the time the fourth guy buys, you, you've already had probably you know five or six drinks at that point and you're like, oh, okay, I can go home right. Like, or you, if you go back through the cycle, oh yeah, it was rough. And uh, the owners were super cool, uh, real cool guys. You know what I mean? There were four brothers and they would alternate. So one year one brother would handle the bar while the other three just lived a retired life. Then the next year the next brother would come in. So depending on on what year it was, you know you would see one brother more than the other. Um, but yeah, so it. It was crazy. But so getting older, you're like, all right, you know you got more expenses. I was having car payment then, right, I wasn't buying the little 500 cars and riding until the wheels fall off. Car payment, rent, right, you know other expenses. So like I think, just staying out of the bars, um, plus, I, I think I carried over some of my dad's uh, like to chase the women, you know, I like women, the what I don't know, like I'd say he's gonna be, like what is he talking about, she or those? But like you know what I mean. So I don't know, I think maybe it was just more circumstantial than it was. Like me identifying like this is a problem, you know, type of deal. But I, I think at that point too, I, I was kind of gradually getting away from that because I didn't work at the slaughterhouse anymore, you know, obviously, you know andrew wasn't partying anymore, like that, you know, and I think at that point he's already, um, maybe now let's see, um, maybe having kids, or maybe living, you know he's married. He's married at that time already too, um, you know. So he's living a different life, the very least he had three dogs yeah, yeah, probably, yeah, yeah. So you know my other buddy that's in the military that I do the podcast with, he was stationed somewhere. You know he was gone. So, um, you know he was gone. So, um, you know a lot of my like really really good friends, they weren't living that lifestyle. You know, um, the one guy that said I was talking about we kind of drifted apart. He was the same thing Come to my house, we'll just chill out. You know, play play video games or listen to music, or you know we would just drink at home then. Then it wasn't like going out to the bars and getting smashed and closing and and that's never really my thing, I'm more of a day drinker, I like to day drink. So, um, but, yes, I just think it was like circumstantial. To be honest, I don't know if I ever picked myself out of it and said, oh hey, you got to stop doing this. I mean maybe a little bit, but I think most of it was just like circumstantial. So, again, like I feel lucky to have gradually just moved on from that, because I think, had I stayed in that I would be in a probably a bad place right now, you know so, like now, let's get more into like this time of your life, meeting your fiancee and like what.

John: 1:24:26

You know what changes that brought, because I am a big believer that, like, growth doesn't have to come while you're single, like you can meet somebody and then they can help you grow it's.

Cisco: 1:24:37

Yeah, it's crazy that you say that because I think this is the first. So I've had two other serious relationships. Um, I I'll say I was like late bloomer, like I didn't really have, I didn't date until I was like mid almost maybe, like 24, 25. It was my first time I had like an actual girlfriend. So, like, I've had three serious relationships in my life, with my fiance being the third, you know the most recent one. But she's the first person that I felt one accepted me for who I was and like truly wants to be here for my journey. And I think you know you hear the phrase like, oh, my ride or die, right, and a lot of those people they're not genuine about it, because ride or die, a real ride or die is I want to go through all the good shit with you but I want to go through all the bad shit with you. But I want to go through all the bad shit with you and be there for you and be supportive. Obviously, there's certain things where you know you don't you, it becomes toxic, you know so. But like I think having somebody that truly wants to be there for you, um, is is, it's like life changing, it's life altering, you know, and like, again, she taught me a lot of these things. So we met, I'll tell her story. Um, I was on a fishing trip, um, I don't know if you know, like the Nesita area, a little past the Dells, like past Moston. So I would go fishing with my, my neighbor. Um, I grew up with his son but I ended up being closer with the dad and he would take me fishing and stuff like that which will be a common theme of all these people stepping in and being like father figures to me. So, tito, I'll give him a shout out, because Tito's been there for me. He's been like a father figure to me too. So I'll count it out I've had Uncle Frankie and Uncle Sil, and then Tito became a father figure for me. Um, so I was fishing with him and I would just go on the weekends. Uh, because I'm not a like, I like nature, but not like that. You know, like, uh, even to this day, I'll admit, when I'm in the boat fishing with him, he'll take the fish off for me, like, he'll put it away for me, they, he'll fillet it and all that like, and I don't know if it's because, like, the boat's not big. So I'm big guy. I'll rock the boat if I'm trying to get up or whatever. So he'd be. But I think it's mostly because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing either.

John: 1:27:00

But I just got you you know.

Cisco: 1:27:02

But so it was the first time that, uh, he would go for the first week, like opening week, um, fishing, and he'd always invite me. But I'm like I don't want to spend a whole week, like I don't think I could do a whole week. So finally I was like, hey man, I want to do that whole week with you, you know. So, um, at the time I'm single, I'm on Tinder. Tinder was the popping thing at that at that time. Tinder and Bumble I don't know what it is now, I don't need to know um, but I'm on tinder, obviously, in the middle of nowhere, there's nobody, but I'm not far from andrew and eau claire. So I picked a day to go visit him and stay with him, uh, and, and his wife, and they had the two boys at the time. So I'm up there visiting, we watch a bucks game and, um, I remember I'm on tinder and Tinder and Eau Claire I'm thinking like Claire's, far as hell from Milwaukee, but I'm like, at that point I'm just like maybe yeah what's out here. You know, I got a couple days up here, you know, a couple days left. It was a I believe it was a Wednesday, and so at that time I was paying for that because I wanted to see who liked me, because I was tired of going through all these people. It's much easier to go through the people that like you, right, that's how that was my strategy. Yeah, like it's easier to look at these five people than to go through a thousand people and I'm thinking like, oh, I like that girl, but she's never gonna swipe. You know she's gonna swipe, left on you. I just want to know who likes me. So I get a notification that, uh, somebody super likes me, right. And so I'm like, oh, okay. So I'm looking and I'm like, okay, like I could do that. I could do that, because at this point I'm not thinking like, oh, I will marry this person, I'm thinking the other thing you know, yeah, that's cute okay. So I remember I'm in bed. I stayed the night at Andrews that night. I spent the night there and I'm in the guest room and we start chatting and things are good. And so in her profile it said I always say it said brownie points, but it said bone. She says it said bonus points, but I always say brownie points, but it said bonus points if you talk first, right. And so I messaged her first, so we're talking. I said, hey, you know, do I get those bonus points? And she was like well, she goes, you'll get more bonus points if you're taller than me, you know. And at the time I'm just looking at the pictures she's with other pictures by herself or with, uh, you know, her friends, and I'm thinking like, oh, okay, like I, she, she didn't look tall to me, like she didn't come off that. She was like super tall. And I was like, well, how tall are you? And she was like six, two. And I was like, well, I know bonus points here because I'm a nice five, eight on a good day, you know. And so, um, she actually was gonna stop she. She was like, oh, okay, like I'm looking for somebody that's taller than me. And I was like, okay. I said, well, I get it, but I don't get it, but good luck to you. And she was like well, what do you mean? So then I just said, like you're really limiting yourself on something that somebody can't change, like I can't make myself taller, you know, I said, said, but she, so she was on a work trip. I should have said that. So we, neither of us, were where we were supposed to be. She wasn't in wassau and I was in eau claire and she lived in green bay and I lived in milwaukee. So if it wasn't for that and she must have had a pretty big radius to find me, but uh, sorry, babe, bust you out but you know so, like had we not been in these situations, we would have never met. So we're talking, and I just explained to her. I said, look, you live in Green Bay, so now you need somebody. That's 6'3" and Green Bay is small In my opinion. I had never really been there. I've been to a Packer game in back, but you know I'm thinking like, oh, it's a small-ass town, which it kind of is, because I live there now but I'm like you've got to be 6'3", you've got to be single, right. So you want that, you want them to be single. And at the time she was really in a church. She was, you know, exploring that and I said and they have to be open to that I said so. I said the person that could make, like, treat you the best and make you feel the best, could be five, four and you wouldn't give them a chance because they don't meet some physical requirement. So I said good luck to you. You know, like, because and I meant that genuinely, because I felt I had been in a point when I was younger where I was very I wanted a girl to look a specific way for me to be interested in her. You know I liked curves. I liked, you know I had specific way for me to be interested in her. You know I liked curves. I liked, you know I had to be this, had to be that. And I actually passed on somebody in college. My brief time in college that I found out later was super into me. But then she had a boyfriend and I was like thinking that girl was me and her were super cool. She was like my best friend in college when I was. For the year and a half I was there. Me and her were super cool. She was like my best friend in college when I was for the year and a half. I was there and I thought, like you know, at that time I was very like superficial about it and I shouldn't have been. I should have been more open, you know. But you don't know, you get it in your head and you're young and that's what you want, and so, you know, I just wanted I want people to know, like, hey, these things don't matter, like these things go away. You know you might be like, oh, that's the I. I married my high school sweetheart. He was the quarterback of the football team. Well, now he's got a receding hairline and he's got, you know this, like that's, that shit can go away. You know, but how the person makes you feel that's what sticks right, and so, like I just was being genuine about it wasn't even about me, like, and so we kept talking and so then, um, I was like, well, do you want to go out? You know, on the next day, which was a Thursday, I said do you want to go out? Like you want to go get dinner or something, like you want to meet? And she was like, yeah, and I was like all right. And so I get back to to the house where, uh, with Tito and his and, uh, his dadPops, I call him G-Pops. He passed away, rest in peace, g-pops. But I tell Tito, I say, hey, do you mind if I go and meet this girl, like we matched or whatever I said? You know because I felt bad leaving him. You know because I'm up here with him and you know again, father figure, right, I don't want him to think that I'm like, like, banning him or ditching him. You know for, for for a girl. And he was like, uh, he was like I don't, like I don't care. And then G-Pop was like what is he asking? You know, this guy is in his 80s, you know, old, old Puerto Rican guy. And uh, he says, oh, he wants to know, like you know, if we're okay if he goes and meets this girl. And he said said, well, are you going to get some? And I said, I don't know, maybe he goes, well, what are you still doing here? And so I left. But so I left. We went, I drove to Wausau, met her, picked her up, we went to dinner to her favorite place. Obviously, wausau there wasn't that many options, but Olive Garden. She loves Olive Garden. I hate Olive Garden, but we went to Olive Garden. You know she, I could tell she was nervous, she kept looking out the window and I said, oh, you have another date. You know, like I was just being funny and it's it was crazy because I was starting to like get sick, like I had sniffles and sore throat or whatever, and so by the time we were done I was like just, I was like not feeling the greatest. We get in the car or my truck, uh, she turns the music on which I'm like you're bold, you know puts country on which I do not like, but I let her listen to some country. I said this is the first time a country song has been on in this truck. I said this is a city truck, I have a ram, you know. I said this is the first time a country song has been on in this truck. I said this is a city truck, I have a Ram, you know. I was like this is a city truck, it's not a country truck. Um, she's from the UP too. So like, um, you know, uh, that I knew that she had told me that and she made me stop at wall at Walmart. She went and got me medicine, cough drops, cough syrup, all this stuff and she let me stay the night and there was two beds. I did not sleep in a separate bed Sorry, babe, again, don't try to bust you out but she let me stay and she took care of me. I helped her study. For her she was like taking a course for work. I helped her study and the next day she kicked me out of her room. She said you got to go and I was like, oh okay, she's like I can't concentrate knowing that you're here and so I left and I wasn't sure if that was going to be like the last. You know that I heard from her. But then we kept talking and we went through this wave of we're friends, we're not dating because I wasn't. I was always very honest with people like I'm still on the apps. I'm still looking for people like I'm. Because I wasn't. I was always very honest with people like I'm still on the apps. I'm still looking for people like I'm not. I don't want to give somebody a hundred percent of me until I know that that's the person that I want to give a hundred percent to. You know? And when you ask her, she said she knew it right away, you know. So she was battling that. I was battling like is this my person, you know? Like, or do I just want to keep being out here having fun, or whatever? You know, I had met a couple people in between you know my relationship before and actually dating her, and she lived in Green Bay too, so it was traveling and I'd go up there. I'd go up there like every other weekend and I my apps was still going, I was still showing as available and stuff like that. But, um, covid hit I'm gonna fast forward covid hit and my job sent us home to work from home. Like everybody's going home here's, uh, people that didn't have laptops. They gave them laptops. Everybody's at home. So we're at home. So that's march of 2020 and so we, we started officially dating I I should probably put that in there but she basically was like we weren't. We weren't like really on the same page. I, I be honest, like I still would come to Milwaukee and I'd be like, well, I'm kind of single. I'm not really like she lives up there and so, like you know, it wasn't. So I wasn't putting 100% into the relationship, I wasn't putting in all my effort like I should have been. So she basically was like well, if you're working from home, why don't you bring your shit up here and see what life is like? If not, like, I don't think this is gonna work out. And so eventually I did so, april. I brought my computer and stuff up there and I never left. And I've been up there ever since and it was a. It was a big deal because I had never. I never left. I've never moved anywhere, I never lived anywhere. I always lived pretty close proximity to my mom. You know, I felt like, wow, I'm leaving my family, I'm leaving my friends. Although Green Bay is not far away, it's two hours away, it's not that bad, but, um, at the time it was a big deal, you know, and my niece was having to do school from home and my sister is a nurse, so she wasn't getting off during COVID. You know she's a um, what do you call them? They call the people, the essential, or employees, yeah, yeah, workers yeah so, like you know, it was easy. Oh, you stick her with me because I'm working from home. So then it was kind of a there was a little bit of an issue, at least I felt like it. Like there was comments made like, well, who's, you know, who's going to be here for her? And I'm thinking, well, she's not my kid, you know, and this might be my first real shot at being happy and having somebody, um, that I really really want to be with, you know, and and so I went and we made it work and here we are. I mean we've gone through a lot together. Um, again, you know her teaching me about things that I didn't know about, you know, helping me unpack. She's also went through her own stuff, you know. And I mean, just to summarize, like we've been through some lows and we've been through some highs, and honestly I could say that and not because this is being recorded, but there's, I haven't met anybody that I feel like I want to go through the lows with other than her. And I think that is really important when you're talking about a partner, because anybody can go through the highs together. Highs are easy, right, having fun, having a good time, but it's like the hard shit, like who do you want to be with? When you got to go through hard stuff, you know, and there's been some hard things that we've went through, and I can't, I can't picture being going through those things with anybody else. And I think, again, I think that's really important when people are out here and they're dating and they're meeting people, who's going to be by your side when you're at the lowest of your low, you know, and that, again, I think that's probably the most important thing before people get married. I think that's what you should think about. When shit gets bad, when she, you know some stuff gets super, super low, will that person be in there with you? Will they be in the suck with you? Is what? I'll say it. You know like um, because it's hard, you know. And for me I realized, like you know like um, because it's hard, you know, and for me, I realized, like you know, unpacking stuff and and learning from her, like I get. I get depressed like I've never, and I don't like to say it because it's like, well, have you seen somebody told you that? Like a doctor told you that, and I'm like I can. I know what that feels like, and some days I'll wake up and I'll just be down and there's just nothing I can do about it. And so I know in my head that that's what that is. And she also goes through it too, and so we go through it together and it's just like again, if you find somebody that you can do that with, sometimes nobody can help me get out of it.

John: 1:40:31

I just have to go through the day, just accept it you have to let it be, and that's the best thing you can do and so and I think too, it ties into other things in my life and now I realize, like where you know what that meant.

Cisco: 1:40:44

Back in those days, when I was in a period where I was drinking a lot like that, um, I used to have to go over the home bridge to go to work. When I worked at the slaughterhouse. I had to be at that place at like 4.30 in the morning, you know, so like dark, nobody's on the street. I used to look at that bridge, sometimes like and not a lot of people know that like that, I had those thoughts. I used to look at that bridge and for that that, when I first started feeling that my niece was first born and it's funny because I told her today, I think it was today I said something to her like you don't, like you have no idea the impact that you've had on my mental health, because that kept me. I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want to leave that little girl. You know, like we all, when she was born, my sister was 17, just like, like she was like my mom, she was in high school. Um, so my youngest sister's like 16 at the time, 16, or maybe she might've been 18, but she was in high school, um, so my youngest sister was also in high school, and then there was me and my other sister. We're barely, you know, we're in our 20s, early 20s. We all live at home at that time that she's born, so like she was almost like a community baby in a sense, you know what I mean?

John: 1:42:00

Like she was like Everybody's baby. Yeah, Everybody loved her, took care of her.

Cisco: 1:42:04

And so I always looked at her like like she needs me, and maybe part of it is because, like I didn't have faith in her dad, because he wasn't a young guy too, you know, and so I was like you know, she don't have anybody, like I have to be there for her. So like I don't think that I ever, if she wasn't there, I don't think that I would have ever stopped and contemplated that, but every time I would see that arch, like there were times where where I would just think like I just go over it, then I don't have to feel what I'm feeling, you know. And so I don't want to say that like I was ever suicidal or stuff like that, but like I definitely almost like it's like the easiest way for me to put it is like daydream about it, like I would daydream about like that I won't have to feel what I'm feeling if I just and is this like, like you're waking up early, you're waking up a little hungover from days of drinking.

John: 1:42:59

I don't even know if you're driving to like I don't even know if it's.

Cisco: 1:43:01

I think it's just more the feeling. I think it was, you know, like the anger, the disappointment with the school stuff, you know, the the my weight right and having the fact, you know, even with dating right, it wasn't until I got older that I became a little bit more secure, when I was like, uh, on the apps and thinking like man, some of these girls don't care, you know I'm thinking like, oh, I'm fat, you don't know, the girls aren't gonna want me, but some of these girls were wanting me. So then I felt I felt, okay, maybe it's not so bad, you know, but at, but at that time I wasn't. You know, there wasn't apps at this time, that wasn't a thing. Um and so, you know, you only met people, how, going to the bars or whatever, and so, like you, never, I was never the first choice there, you know. But so, like I think all those things kind of just compounded and it was, like you know, my dad sucks Angry about that, disappointed with myself and about school, not, you know, I felt like a loser, like I wasn't successful here I am.

John: 1:43:59

Would you ruminate on this stuff a lot?

Cisco: 1:44:01

Yeah.

John: 1:44:02

Like you were kind of like that's a good word, yeah, like I'm saying daydream, but that's like that's what that means to me, okay, like it would just like like slow cook in my head, okay, I mean, and then I would, the moment you woke up, you kind of just think about these yeah, eat at. You did. Yeah, it wasn't it.

Cisco: 1:44:18

To me it didn't have anything to do with, like, the drinking or being hungover, because I don't even think, like I didn't start feeling over until I was, like, getting older okay, that's a natural, like right now if I drank, I'm almost 40 years old, like.

John: 1:44:30

But back then, when you drank the ruminating, probably stopped a little bit, yeah, and you were just in the moment having fun with the guys, yeah.

Cisco: 1:44:37

Yeah, and so like then there was no cares, you know. But then when you wake up and you're going through, right, you're going through, oh, I don't, you know that girl never texts me, right, like, oh, you, you know people ghosting you and before you even knew what ghosting was and stuff like that, you know. So, like I definitely I would look at that bridge man and I would say, and I would just again, I don't think I, I really truly feel that I don't, I wouldn't have made that had my niece not been around, but I definitely those thoughts would, I would, I would put an end to that when I would think about her, you know. And so, like there was a, it was a rough time in my life, you know, just emotionally and again, not knowing what those things are, not knowing what things mean, um, you know, still coming from that, that, uh, that era of like no, men, don't cry, men, you know you're don't be soft, you gotta be tough, and you just suck it up and do this and this, and that. You know, I give a lot of credit to younger people now because I think it's very, very important to recognize things and to talk about things, because even at that time you're like, who do you tell? Like you talk to your buddy and be like man, you're a bitch. You know it's not like I'm like a bitch bro. You know it's like not that I the friends that I have, I don't think would have because I know now they wouldn't respond like that and I don't think they would have responded back then, but I don't think we knew how to talk about that and how to have those conversations, you know. So I do give a lot of credit. People get on the young people these days. But I think the one thing that some of the younger generation even like I know that I'm older than you, you're not, you know, you got some grays but you're still a young guy too. But I do give credit for that because it's it's now socially acceptable to be okay and to be vulnerable and to be emotional and to talk about things. And I mean you still get some people that are like you know, maybe up by me in those areas, right, like, oh, you know, you just got to be tough and, you know, drink your Coors or whatever. You know it's like nah, man, it's okay to feel, it's okay to talk about it, to be vulnerable with people you know. You just got to be careful who you're vulnerable with, because you got people to take advantage of those kind of things. So, um, definitely gotta watch who's in your circle, and I think I've learned that too over the last um five or six years. Like you got to protect your, protect your energy, right? That's one thing that I that I've picked up from from my fiance alina is her name. Since I'm name dropping, I might as well name drop her too. You've got to protect your energy, man, because people you have this is how I always put it when I talk to people and we have these kind of conversations you have a cup and I have a cup. I fill your cup, you fill my cup, right, it's not always going to be one for one, it's not always going to be the same, and I always use Andrew as an example, because what I can do for Andrew, he might not necessarily can do for me, but he does other things to fill my cup. And that's what relationships are about, and sometimes people think about only romantic partners in terms of filling your cup, but the people in your life, everybody it should just be a reciprocation in some form or fashion so I can go and visit Andrew easily. I don't have kids, I don't have pets now, you know, and so it's not hard. I can do that. I can go be there for him. I can go be there for his wife if she needs us. I can go be there for their kids, if you know, that's something I can do easily. What he does in return calls me when he's walking his dogs to check in on me, right, obviously, social media is easy to stay connected with people, right, so we have that. But when we go there, he makes sure that we're taken care of. He cooks for us, you know. They take us places, make sure we're doing fun things. They invite us to their cabin when they're going to their cabin, and you know those are ways. It's not a one-for-one, you know. It's a little bit of a different thing, but I never feel like he doesn't put into our relationship and I don't ever feel I don't put into the relationship. You know we're constantly feeling Same thing with Ryan, my podcast partner. You know he always checks in, right, and he's got three kids, two young toddlers. He's in the military. His wife is a nurse. I think she's a nurse practitioner. Actually I'm not trying to sell her short, because that's a lot to go to school for.

John: 1:49:06

Oh yeah, for sure.

Cisco: 1:49:06

So they have a busy life, so he can't necessarily do for me what I can do for him. But it's just about pouring into the relationship and putting the energy and so like, when I look at my father, right, he don't put into the relationship. So I had to cut that off and I had to say you know what, you don't put into this relationship, so I'm not going to put into it and I'm actually going to take the opportunity away from you because you've had so many times and I'll just, you're cool, I'm just going to dive into this because I feel like this is a good time, because this is very relevant to what I'm talking about and why I did what I had to do, because it's funny, I gave we've given this guy a lot of chances, right, like he was not good to us as kids. So for a while after that point, I stopped celebrating Father's Day with him. I wouldn't even give him a card. I wouldn't call him, wouldn't text him. I'd give my mom a card I used to give my mom. Actually, on Father's Day, when I go on a Facebook and look at my memories, shout out to my mom for being there. Shout out to the single moms out there, shout out to stepdads, because it's like you had the opportunity to be something and you chose not to be it. So I'm not going to celebrate you, I'm not going to honor you for what you don't deserve it. You've sat, watched your brother pour his energy into us, watched my mom's brother pour energy into us, into us, watched my mom's brother pour energy into us. At this point you're watching the neighbor Tito pour into your son and give him the time and the attention and the love that you could easily give, but you choose not to right. And so you know. So we stopped that. Well, then I decided you know what, let me flip, flip. Right, at some point, I know he, he became diabetic and he tried to make it seem like oh, you know, life is short, or whatever. And I'm like it wasn't because of that, because I could care less, I just said you know what, let me flip, let me give him another chance, right, I'm older now, let's, let's, let's see. And it hurt my mom and whether she says it or not, I could tell, because she was like oh, you're not coming for you're not going to spend Father's Day here, you're not going to grill out, and because that's what we did, you know. We honored her because that's what she was. She was both the two parents to us and I just felt like I just wanted to give him a chance. You know, see, maybe, okay, you're in a, you're he. I mean, he was an adult, but now I'm an older adult, let's see if you, you know, and so for a while we would go to his house, we'd have barbecues at his house and a good time and, I'll be honest, the best part about it would be when my uncle, frankie, would show up, you know, and my grandparents, because I do love, I do like spending time with my grandparents. My grandpa was a little cranky when we were kids, but he's a lot different now. Um, you know, and, and he had, uh, he had similar story, like he had a similar story, like he had a crazy story, like, um, I know I'm going to get off track, I'll come back, but his, his father, took him away from his mother in Puerto Rico, left his sister with the mom, took him, ran with some other chick, came to the States and they were verbally and physically abusive to him. He used to have to do all the cooking and cleaning at like 12, 13 years old they would make a meal on rice. Um, they would, you know, beat him, stuff like that. So and he don't really talk about it. These are things that I know from my mom because he would open up to my mom sometimes. But also my mom's dad was good friends with my dad's grandpa, so they kind of knew each other through that circle. You know Puerto Rican guys connecting over the culture and stuff like that. So I know that he had a hard childhood. My dad's dad but I don't think that ever truly my dad will say it trickled into them and maybe it did, you know, maybe he was hard on them, but as he got, as he's gotten older, he's opened up. So I like spending time with them, right. So we would go to my dad's and we'd spend time with them, we'd have, you know, and I kind of gave my dad a pass. I kind of gave it to him like, all right, you were a bad dad as a kid. But maybe if I just look at this more as a friendship, then it won't really impact me as much, you know, but that only lasts so long, like when you look at somebody that should be hold a different position in your life. You can't just be like, oh yeah, it's cool, we're just friends. Like, no, you're supposed to be my dad man. Like you're supposed to be somebody different. Because I've cut friends off. I used to have a hard time. Now I don't, because I got to protect my energy. Yeah, um, you know what I mean. Like again, I drifted from people because we don't see eye to eye on some social things and I know it's like. You know you got to have diversity and there's certain things where I'm like, nah, man, man, that's not a thing. And if that's how you feel about certain people, I can't be around you, because I have some of those people in my life, in my circle, that pour into me and I pour into them. So to me it's disrespectful then. So I've had to cut people off. So if I'm going to treat you like a friend, you're going to be held to the same, lower standards than I would. You know, somebody like my mom or something like that would be a hard thing to do. So you know, kind of been on the sideline. So I moved to green bay. I've been in green bay five years. This guy has not come to visit me. He came once when I was in the hospital. I got pancreatitis, which I don't know if anybody's. That shit sucks. I was in the hospital for six days Horrible. You can't eat, you can't drink, you're in pain the whole time. That's all you can do is get pain meds. Like that's I was. I laid in a bed Getting pain meds. Now Funny story I jumped around a lot but my mom Came because she was obviously my mom came. She was nervous, she was scared and she told me she felt useless because Alina was taking care of me and was by my side and she was like. And so she told me she was like you better marry that girl. And at the time nobody knew. But I was having a ring designed for her. I had already planned on proposing to her. I had her grandmother's ring. Her grandmother gave me her ring, like after her grandfather passed away, so I had her grandma's ring. I connected with a buddy of mine who had a friend that designed his wedding rings, went with him. We were working on design. So at this time it's already in the works. It's just a matter of finalizing the design and paying for it. So it but. So it's funny. But you know again to go back to those things with somebody that's going to be there for the worst of things, you know. So he came up, my dad came up and at the time, not, I'm not, I'm just like I'm in pain, right, he didn't stay, he. He stayed like maybe two hours or something. Then he left. It was him, his wife and his stepson. And then I look on Facebook and he posted prayers for my son and I think, first of all, I hate that shit. I hate that you want to pray for me, pray for me with me. Don't put something on Facebook, because my dad is, he's fixated on perception, he wants people to think that he's this great guy. And I told him, I said, I said, why did you post that? Like, I don't want that. I don't want prayers from your Facebook friends, I just want you to care and be here. He didn't say, hey, you want me to stay the night. Hey, you know what? I'm going to get a hotel. I'm going to stay up here the weekend. Make sure you're okay. He was perfectly fine, coming for the little bit and leaving, right. And again he had his wife. You didn't need all that, you know what I mean. You could just come be with your son, right. So out of the time I've been up there, that was the only time he came. Now, for Father's Day one year I told him and I was smart enough not to actually purchase. But I said, hey, I want to take you on a tour of Lambeau. I said you just got to give me the weekend and I'll buy the tickets. Never picked a weekend, you know. So then I got tricky and for Christmas I got them a gift card for Lodge Kohler. You know that's a nice hotel up there Because then I'm like well, to use that. You got to come up there and so maybe he'll come visit that way, right? So, oh, yeah, we want to come visit you. We want to come visit you. And I'm like, okay, well, fucking do it. Like, what are you waiting for? Like I'm not going to. You want me to lay it all out for you, make the plan for you travel agent it. You know, like you're, you're the dad, put the, put the effort in. You know what I mean. I got a life. I got people that want to hang out with me. I got people who want to see me and you know I used to come to milwaukee a lot when I first moved to green bay. Every other weekend I'd be in milwaukee. Whether I was with alina or not, I was coming to to Milwaukee.

John: 1:57:47

Just because of family or mom.

Cisco: 1:57:49

I miss my mom. I see my friends or whatever. But as I've been building my life out there, I maybe come down like four times a year, like last year. Last year I only came down, I think, four times, so I don't come down like that Summer. I love the farmer's market. It's one of my favorite things to do and we have an awesome farmers market green bay so I hate missing it. I'm missing it today and I'm mad about it, you know so um I'm sorry, sir, no, no, no, I have something else. I'm here for something else anyway. But so, like you know, I have a light, I have a life up there. So if you really want to see me. You got to make the effort, so I'll. So I'll get into the specifics. So last year, memorial day weekend uh, it's a couple days before the weekend, he doesn't. This is what he does. Response to a story I posted on Instagram oh, we're going to come visit you, we're going to come visit you. I said well, when, oh, memorial Day weekend, I said, well, you can come up here, but I won't be here because I have plans. I'm going out of town. We took my mom to the up because she had never been, so that was a big deal for us. We are planners. We do some stuff last minute, but that's on us like but if you want to see us, it's got to be planned right. I I don't like people coming over if the house isn't clean. Then I got to clean the house. I got to cook. I want to cook for people. I got to make sure I have food. I have things thought out all that. I need a plan for those kind of things. So if you're gonna come up from out of town, it's got to be a plan. So I was like thinking no, dude, you're not gonna message me three days before the weekend saying you're gonna come up now I will admit if my mom said that like, yep, absolutely come on up. You know it's different, I think, and so maybe it's a little unfair, but but whatever. So I told him. I said, well, I'll tell you what I said give me some weekends this summer. So this is last year this summer that work for you and I'll tell you which ones work for us. Right Now, the year before. Again, I'm jumping around. People are probably like dude, this guy is all over the place. The year before somebody passed away, he was a prominent figure in the Milwaukee community, in the Hispanic community, but my dad is really really good friends with his dad, with this guy's dad. When he passed away he was like in his 40s, I think. He had four kids, right, young, oh man, really really impacted my life. So this is my dad. You know. It makes me, you know. You know I just want to. Life is short, I want to spend more time with my kids and my family. I said, okay, right that that whole year went by, didn't hear from him, really. So now we're in the next year, which is what I'm talking about now. So I asked him. I said give me the weekends. You got the whole summer, so this is at the end of may. You got june, july, august, to tell me what weekends work for you in that three months and I'll set something up. Crickets, hear nothing about it, hear nothing. I see him go on vacation. I see him doing gigs in chicago, doing gigs around milwaukee nothing, I said okay, so my birthday is in aug. The end of August, august 22nd. He responds to my story, posts a story oh, we want to come up and take you out for your birthday lunch or your birthday dinner. And I said, well, you're not going to be this weekend because I got plans. It's my birthday, motherfucker, I'm planning, I got plans. You want to be a part of this. You need to jump ahead, like I tried to get you in May. So he says, oh well, you know these weekends, these two weekends in September, which was in two weeks from then and I said well, I said we have things that weekend. So we have a party on Saturday, a block party, annual block party that we would go to in our old neighborhood because we moved. And the following weekend he wanted to come up was a weekend that my sister was in town with her husband from England and she was coming up by us that weekend, and so the reason they were in town was because my middle sister, maritza, was getting married. At the time. Me and her weren't talking, we were on. We are actually on the outs for about almost two years, me and her. We just recently started talking again. Um, so at the time I was not going to the wedding because it just didn't feel she did invite me. But we have and we still have unresolved issues, but we will get to that in our own time. Um, and so I was like, yeah, no, that those weekends don't work. So then he said well, you tell me what works for you and then we'll come. And I said, oh, okay, like how I told you before. So I said, no, you know what fuck that man? I'm just, I don't have the time for it again. There's almost 40 years of this and I have to pause. My fiance is probably like dude, you tell stories so long. She hates when I tell stories because I give details, I go back and I so I'm just laughing at that internally, sorry, but so that was September, right, come, let's see Thanksgiving. I get a text from his wife. Oh, my mom is in England visiting my sister, so normally we're with my mom for Thanksgiving. And she said, oh, you know, if you don't have anywhere to go, like you guys can come here. And I said, uh, we were going to spend time with Alina's mom. Um, and another important thing to note is Alina is a byproduct of a divorced family. She has two families. I have two families, we have four families. Right, some people aren't going to see us on holidays, it's just not. And we live in Green Bay. Yeah, you know, her mom lives in Green Bay now, which is nice. You know, my parents are in Milwaukee, her dad's in the UP. So, like, it's a lot to try to you can't please everybody, right? So, thanksgiving she sends me that text. I said, well, we're going with Alina's mom and her boyfriend. He invited us to have Thanksgiving with his kids and grandkids. So I said, but, thank you, I appreciate the offer, right? So, mind you, this is from his wife, not from him. Christmas comes. Well, actually, I catch wind that he's upset because on our way back we went to I don't know like hartford or something. Uh, mineshaft, do you know where that is?

John: 2:04:04

yeah, yeah, okay, we went there for their thanksgiving buffet or whatever.

Cisco: 2:04:09

So on the way to my mom's house then, because we were picking my mom up from the airport the next day, so we just stayed at her house we have to pass the exit to go to my grandparents' house my dad's parents so I stopped and saw my grandma and I talked with her and I was also. The food was not good at Mein Schaaf that day, so I wanted my grandpa makes puerto rican style turkey, so I really wanted puerto rican turkey. So I said, well, we're gonna stop there because I want some turkey. And so we stopped and we hung out. Well, I catch wind that he found out about that and was upset about that. He felt some type of way about that. Then I I guess I skipped over this too I find out he felt some type of way that I was stopped at my grandma's back in October because she wanted to have a birthday dinner for me and my other sister, because our birthday is in August and normally she has a grandkids cookout. It's a cookout only for her grandkids and it's an annual thing, but she didn't have it that year. So we went and we had dinner and she told my sister that she purposely didn't invite my dad, and I don't know, I don't know why. I think there must have been something going on, but she said she didn't want my dad there. So then he caught wind of both of these things and now he's pissed off. Now I don't know this from him, I'm hearing this from somebody else and I'm like, oh okay, that's interesting. And so Christmas comes now, normally Christmas Eve we're at his house. Christmas Day I'm at my mom's house. That's how it was growing up after the divorce anyway. But you know, I have Alina now and I'm like well, we got to consider your family and so normally, like her sister, they'll go to the UP, because her husband's from the UP too and they go up there. So, like normally it's like a random day we meet for Christmas with her family or whatever. But my dad texted us 12 days before Christmas Eve, right now, if you want to have a Christmas plan, I think you should be planning well ahead of that. But again, maybe I'm a little unfair. So he says, oh, christmas dinner at our house, christmas Eve dinner, blah, blah, blah. I said, oh well, we're gonna be spending time with Alina's family, so we're not going to make it. But I said I hope you guys have a really good time. Never heard from him. No response, no, oh well, let's do it a different day. Nothing Right Now. Again, I'm not going to keep putting energy into it, I let him put the energy into it. So don't hear from him. So then February rolls around. So, mind you, I hadn't seen, probably didn't see, my dad since, like I don't know, before the summer, okay, you know. So almost, probably, almost like a whole year maybe, without seeing them. So February comes and I'm talking with my youngest sister and she's like you know, I, I'm just over him, like he doesn doesn't mind you, she lives in England. He doesn't call me, see how I'm doing. He doesn't ask about my husband, doesn't, you know? Send me cards or anything, everything is a text. Or he'll tag us in a Facebook post which he posted our save the date on Facebook, and so I had to tell him to take it down, right? So that happened too in between all this, because, again, are you really happy for me? You would call me If I said you know, john, I'm really happy for you, I'm going to message you. Say, man, can I call you real quick? And we don't talk like that, but I'm not going to tag you and say, oh, so happy for you, john, you became a father. Yeah, yeah, they just. You just want attention from from people as opposed to actually being happy for somebody at least that's my interpretation. I agree completely. So it's february. My sister's telling me she's like, yeah, I just had it with them. Like I just don't even want him to like experience me through social media. Like she's like he doesn't really deserve that, which I I agree with you don't. If you're not checking in and pouring into a relationship, why should you be me through social media? She's like he doesn't really deserve that, which I agree with you, don't. If you're not checking in and pouring into a relationship, why should you be able to benefit? And then take the pictures and say, oh, look at my daughter. She's out here living her life. And you know, they went to Greece because they travel In Europe, it's cheap to travel, she goes, she's been to all kinds of places. So she ends up removing him and his wife from social media. And within an hour, my mom sends us a text in our group chat and says your dad texts me saying he needs to talk to me. So I'm laughing. I call her. I said, dude, you see mom's text. She's like yeah, I said not. Even an hour since you removed them, he's already asking her. And I'm like I said, dude, you see mom's text. She's like, yeah, I said not even an hour since you removed them. He's already asking her. And I'm like I already know what it's about. It's got to be about this. So now we're waiting for my mom to get off of work. Mind you again, my sister lives in England Time difference. She's on the phone with me. We're back and forth Like Can't wait, can't wait. You know, because I just because I know what it was about and I wanted to see if I knew it. But I was like I just want to see, you know. And sure enough, my dad says oh, you know, alex removed me from social media. I don't know what I did. And then he pops me into it. Oh, cisco doesn't respond to my text and my mom already knows my mom's not a dummy. We talk to her. She calls us every other day. She talks to my sisters probably every day. But me I don't like to talk on the phone that much. But she'll call me every other day and if I don't hear from her a couple of days, then I'll call her. And so she already knows. And she told them they're adults. You got to go to them, you got to talk to them, you got to try. You got to try harder Because he was saying oh, I do try, I try to visit Cisco. He doesn't respond to me, and she knows I gave him the opportunity. He didn't take it and I'm just kind of over it. You know she's like well, you got to do these things, like why don't you, why are you going to her? And the reason why he did it was it was intentional, because he knew she would say something to us which would force us to say something, which I did. Then the next day and I sent him a text and I'll summarize it and I basically said don't go to her, you come to me If you've got a problem with me. I said you said that I don't respond to your texts. I said you haven't texted me since August, me directly. You haven't texted me since August. This is February. I said I text you for Christmas. You never even responded to me. Then I find out he was responding to my sister separately, my other sister. So I'm like you have the problem, really, not me. And I said you know, work was busy, because it was my busy time at work and I said but maybe we can sit down and talk about this. Like I said, I want to sit down and be able to talk about this. Well, he said well, you make it happen when you're ready. I was like, okay, I will. Well, a week later he decides to text me a pretty aggressive text. Well, a week later he decides to text me Pretty aggressive text, capital. You, you know, pointing you were pointing fingers and fingers pointing back at you. And all this just deflection, lack of accountability, not wanting to hold himself responsible, blaming me for well, you come to Milwaukee and never tell me. It's like well, that's me making effort. This. I come to milwaukee now I have plans. Like I'm here today for this. I have a birthday party, so other people that want to see me I can't see you because I'm only here for this. Then I go home sunday because I'm not and I don't stay late on sundays here because I want to be home. Yeah, I got a life. It it's a two hour drive. You want to see me. You take the two hour drive because I'm tired of coming down here. And so it was just. You know he was again. He was deflecting. Then he tried to say he was upset at me for not going to my sister's wedding, when really it was the most respectful thing I could do. I don't think it makes sense to go and share somebody's big day when you're not on good terms like.

John: 2:11:47

What is what is that like? Why would I do that?

Cisco: 2:11:50

um, not that I would cause a scene on her day like I would respect her, but it just doesn't make sense. We hadn't talked in almost two years. Um, so I just thought I was like you're grasping at straws here, bro, and so I I I sent like a. It was a pretty hefty text message and maybe like six paragraphs, and I laid it out. I said you don't understand what a parental relationship is. You don't understand that you need to put the energy, that I'm done putting the energy. I said you got to sit by on the sidelines and I still let you be a part of my life, even though Uncle Frankie, uncle Sil Tito right, I have all these other people that want to be father figures to me and pouring energy into me and think about me, and you don't do these things, but I'm still allowing you to be in my life. Like you got it pretty easy. Actually, you're benefiting from this and I'm just over it. Now you need to start putting the energy in. And told him I said you have a lot of, basically said you deflect. I said you always want to put the ball in my court. I said and that's at the end of the day. I said I'm gonna take my ball, I'm going home. I said I'm gonna remove my access from you. You said you will no longer have access to me, you will no longer be able to negatively impact my life. I said I'm done and I meant that like and people, oh, you know life, you, my life. I said I'm done and I meant that Like and people, oh, you know life, you, maybe, you guys. I said 40 years of being a shitty dad just means you're a shitty dad, and not even just a shitty dad, just not a good person. You know what I mean You're. I didn't really know what a narcissist really was, right, until the last, you know. Again, meeting Alina, I started to learn different things. You know things and they make sense, right, it's not like, oh, you know she's, you know, maybe she's, uh, filling your head with things or no, these all make sense. There's classic behaviors. There's things that fit into all the boxes. Bro, you're checking boxes, yeah, you're checking boxes. You're selfish. You don't ever want to take accountability, because even in that text message of me being vulnerable to you, your response isn't like hey, let's work on that. I want to be there, I want to be in a better relationship. It's well, this is your fault, it's you. You did this. He threw in there oh, you know, let's go to therapy. You tell me when your availability is. And I said first off. I said therapy is probably the hardest solution here. I live in Green Bay, you live in Milwaukee, you work second shift, I work first shift. Right, and honestly, if you really want to go to therapy, you would have already contacted your healthcare provider and all that and you would have found somebody if you really want to do that. But again, it's me. I got to tell you when I'm available. I got to tell you what works for me before you even call your health care provider. You don't want it. You want to be able to tell people that you offered this so that I look like the bad guy. I said, but it's not. The easiest solution would be you just coming up here and spending time with me. You don't need your wife, you don't need your stepson, you don't need anybody. You go to do gigs in Chicago. You can't come to Green Bay. I don't buy it.

John: 2:14:56

So this conversation happened back in February. Yeah, back in February so now, since then you guys haven't spoken. No, I blocked him on social media.

Cisco: 2:15:05

I blocked his phone number and I did get curious about how he was gonna respond to my text, because I won't read it. Like I won't read my text because it's long and I know that I'm ready talking a lot. But I did. I called him out for everything. I called him out for childhood stuff. I called him out for adult stuff. You know it's a trend. You've been a bad dad to us for our whole life. Not once have you taken a responsibility for anything and hold yourself accountable.

John: 2:15:34

Did he have a response? Did he say anything? He?

Cisco: 2:15:36

did. He said and I'll say this because I want people to really understand In that blocked message that I looked at because I had blocked him after I said my piece, I was done, but I was curious he said I wish you had the balls to say that to my face because you know damn well I would break your face. That's what he said. I said you wanted me to go to therapy with you when you, when I'm just being vulnerable and you want to meet me with violence now, I told people this and I'm not like it's like being funny but I'm probably the last person you want to fight because of how much emotion I have towards you. I would probably black out and just beat the shit out of you. I'm not that person, I'm not a fighter, but, like logically, when you hear about these people going through these episodes where they black out and don't really know that's probably what would happen. So you don't want to fight me and you're almost 60 years old, you know what I mean and I'm not going to fight my dad. I would never put myself in that position where they say, man, that guy beat up his dad Because what does that make me? That's just rough.

John: 2:16:38

That's the response you get to being open with him. Yeah, it made me laugh.

Cisco: 2:16:41

And you know what I'll say. I told my sister, when I sent that first text to him, when told him to like, don't go to my mom, you know, excuse me. Um, I felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders. I was like, wow, I feel a little free finally. Telling him how I feel, you know, because, like I never. It wasn't that I was scared to do it, I just felt I never felt it was worth it because I knew he wasn't going to change, just like I knew that he wasn't going to do these things. But the second text, I felt really, really good. And my mom was worried about me because she is, she's always, she's a mom, you know, and she loves us so much. And my sister told her my youngest sister she said he's good, she goes, he's fine and it. I mean I'm getting a little bit emotional right now, just like because it took so long for me to just let that go, and not let it go but address it, and I felt like it was a mic drop and that's what I wanted. I want to be like. You know, dude, I'm done now that you haven't seen your son in X amount of time, because this is going to go until one of us is gone, right, and I'm okay with that, like I don't want. I've never. I realized in between those couple weeks that these conversations happen, this back and forth. I realized that I can't miss out on something that I never had. But he will miss out because I gave him the opportunity to be in my life when he didn't deserve it and he didn't make any effort, right, so he had that and now he won't have that. And you can pretend that you're fine without it, but I don't believe it. You know what I mean. Just like I think I'll agree when people say like, well, you know, don't you want that? And I do, right, I do want that, but I know I'm not going to get it, so I'm okay with it. I mean I have again my Uncle Frankie, my Uncle Sil, my Tito, you have a lot of partners. I have Alina's mom, her boyfriend, mark, shout out to Mark because he spends time with me, even though he lives in Jackson and Alina's mom lives in Green Bay, so they only see each other on the weekend. He chooses to spend time with me. He's actually for the wedding. He's taken me on a Lake Michigan charter, me and some buddies to go fishing and I'm thinking this guy has no obligations to me. He's got two sons you know what I mean and he enjoys my company and cares about me enough to want to do things with me and make memories with me. And I think like again, maybe I just like have that personality. People like me, you know, like I haven't had a shortage, like there's really nothing to miss, it's just it does suck when it's not your dad. You know what I mean.

John: 2:19:33

Well. So what have the last three months been like for you, with kind of you know, having that little bit of a weight lifted? Have you, do you feel like there's been better, more progress you've been able to make on your mental health since then? Or have you been kind of, do you find you're just coming to more realizations, with things as you're realizing about your childhood, thinking in hindsight, um, I think.

Cisco: 2:19:48

I think that you're never going to fully get over things like that oh right, like definitely. People say like, oh, you'll get over, and it's like, no, you won't, you won't get over. Um, those those kind of relationship, friendships maybe right, because I think not everybody's meant to be in your life forever, like that's just the the reality of life. You know and you meet people, but you always meet more people. You know what I mean, that life brings people in and out like a cycle, but you'll never have a dad, another dad, you'll never have another mom. You know your grandparents, things like that, siblings, so I know that I will carry some aspect of it with me forever, like it's never going to go away. And I don't think and maybe I'm wrong because I've never been to therapy, uh, I don't think that'll doesn't eliminate it, it just helps you deal with it. Yeah, and so I think now I just I laugh at things. You know what I mean, because I have there's four of us two sisters are still you know kind of see him, talk to him, interact with him in some you know limited form, but, um, so I hear things from them. Or you know what I mean If I want some gossip or something like that. But I don't, there's nothing to miss, you know. And so now I just think that there's less, there's more open space in in my head and in my heart. Other things I don't dwell on it anymore. We talk about it because I think it's healthy to talk about it. Some people think, oh, you talk about it a lot, you must be fixated on it. It's part of my life, it's a big part of your life. We're talking about my father I'm almost 40 years old In terms of having like a negative impact. I mean, I think I have relief from that. You know, and I I recognize a lot of things already, like I already knew, coming into you know this last five years, who he was. Right, it was just a matter of saying my peace, because I've held on to my peace for so long just because I wanted him to be something I want. Hey, man, be something better. I want to. You want to give people a chance. Until you don't want to give them a chance, you know what I mean and I think that is a huge thing. Again, protecting my energy, like I just want. I want people. Nothing is guaranteed for me, right? My life couldn't end after this. Something could happen to me on the road on the way back, you know, leaving this interview, and I want the people like that are part of my energy and reciprocate and fill my cup. I want them to be able to enjoy me and me fully give to them. You know, like I don't want wasted energy for me, giving somewhere else when I could have put somewhere else, so like if it's my last day and people can say, man, that guy cared about me, you know, up until his last day or I felt the love from him. You know I'll miss him, you know, and I told my dad in that text, I told him I don't think you love me because I really don't think that. I don't think he loves. I don't think he loves anybody but himself, to be honest with you. And I used to think he loved music. I used to think he really loved music and I thought that's his love, was music Right? But the older I got and the more I thought about it, I said he doesn't. He loves what. The music makes him feel and makes him seem like to people, the perception he gets to go on stage and all these people are giving him attention. It's not the music. If he was an actor, it would be the acting right. He doesn't love that. He loves what, how he feels from it. You know it's, it's like, it's like his drug in a sense. You know what I mean and being a star yeah, cuz if he loved music he would do. He would do things he would give back to the community, he would. This is just again, this is my, my opinion of taught you guys music exactly if you really love something like I love to cook, if mine, if my nephew he's only two now but if he, you know, he's 10 years old and says hey, uncle, I want to cook with you. I will teach that little guy how to cook. To teach this this guy will be smoking ribs by the time he's 15 years old. You know, like, uh, because I love doing that, you know, and I I love to show people that. So he, he doesn't love music. And and to be honest, the more like I talked to my grandpa and I know my dad will never watch this, he'll never see this ever in his life. But my grandpa even took, because my grandpa sings. My grandpa's a good singer and my grandpa told me once he said I don't like how your dad sings. He said he sings in a way. He sings songs that he is better suited to sing other songs, but those aren't the songs that are popular. And so that's when I started to realize that he doesn't love music. Because if you love music, you recognize what you're good at, right? That's like if you're a fucking badass drummer but you play guitar Because you want people to see you playing the guitar, right, you're the front man doing a little show because the drums are always in the back, you know. So you want to be seen. You don't love the guitar, you just want to. You love how it makes you feel or the perception that you get that people have of you being a guitarist, so it's the same thing for him. He sings songs that he's not really suited for, but he's he's got a you know, a good enough voice where he can pass it. But if he's saying these other songs because he loved music and recognized that these are songs that I'm really good at, I'm gonna do that. He probably would be somebody right now, you know. And so I started to recognize that. Because he asked me. He records songs, right, which I'm not going to diminish musicians, but it's not hard to do these days you can do it. My cousin I have a cousin in the military and he makes songs on his computer, you know, good quality people. He sends it to people and they do the mixing and the editing and he puts it straight on Spotify. You know a couple hundred thousand listens or even more, like, so like. To me it's like, okay, you're recording songs, but you're you're not. That doesn't make you a somebody in the music world, right, like you still got to get people to listen to it and all that. And he asked me about a song that he recorded and he asked me how, what I thought about it, and I was honest. I said, said, I said you don't sound like you're into it. I said your heart's not into this song and then I started to realize that's every song, you know, like he's not into it. And it's like it's just crazy, because a whole childhood I thought he loved music more than more than us, that he would choose music. But his choice of doing the music was about choosing himself. It wasn't about choosing music Because I think I could be okay, like, yeah, my dad loved music, it's all right, you know, that's what he loved, that's what he fell in love with. But he only does it because of what people think about him and how that makes him feel. And so then I got to the point where I'm like you don't love this shit, dude, like this could be anything and you would choose it over other people because of how it makes you feel. That's a drug, that's an addiction. You know, like I've never I don't want to say that like I'm a professional, I don't know shit about it, but in my opinion that's why people do these things.

John: 2:27:03

I mean there's whole groups of people, because there's like like growing up with a narcissistic parent is like a traumatic thing, like it's like there's groups for people who have grown up their lives like that, because it can really like be emotionally damaging for you to have a parent who you know you put your parents on a pedestal, especially your dad. As a boy, you want to put your dad on a pedestal and your dad also did something where he was on stage and got all this attention for it, but then he like didn't give you love and attention that you wanted from him. It's like that's damaging for you. That's hard, like that's something that you, you know I'm sure like you've been working at recovering and yeah, like you said, maybe you're never going to really fully recover from it. You just learn how to deal with it. That like this is one of my. Your mom probably did a lot of overcompensating, which is why you are still a good human being. You are somebody who can enjoy life and find some joy in life because you had a mom who poured a lot of love into you and overcompensated for the lack of love your dad gave you. But yeah, that is, I mean, it's a trauma of its own to grow up with a parent like that. Even if he wasn't hitting you or directly yelling at you all the time, or nothing, he's still like like he recognized that he could have given you more and you recognized he could have given you more and he still didn't. Yeah, neglect is a weapon. It is, you know, against a kid it's the most damaging weapon against a kid.

Cisco: 2:28:18

I, I, you know I'm fortunate to have the mother I have, because I know there's people out there that don't you know what I mean. There's people that are in the same situation as me with their fathers, but they don't have, they don't have the same mother that I have, I I do. And again people would say, ah, you know, like it's, that's just your opinion or whatever. You know, it's your bias. But my mom gave us everything she's, she's, gave us every ounce of energy that she had, to the point where she didn't have, doesn't have, any for herself. Sometimes, you know what I mean, and like it's hard to see that because then you feel bad, you're like, damn man, she had to give all that for us, you know. But I think if you ask her, like, what her greatest accomplishment is, and it would be being a mother. And I think that there's a lot of honor in that because, like alina works in social work, you know. So, like I know she sees things where these kids just want to be loved and they don't get it, you know. And it's hard to see that because it's like man, you know people want to tell the kids bad, it's a bad kid, the kids just kids just want to be loved and when they don't get loved then they deal with it however they can and they don't know. You don't know what you're doing. You know what I mean. Like I said, I got maybe a little disrespectful with my mom when my parents got divorced. Um, I just, you know it was it was. It was an interesting, it was hard place to be. I was 12 years old and you know watching three kids three my three sisters again, I didn't have to do like I had to cook for them or put them to bed or anything like that. Like my mom always came home and you know what I mean she didn't start like going out and enjoying her life until we were already, you know, like adults. So you know she did give us a lot and I'm really fortunate for that. Like I'll probably be a mama's boy, I don't give, I don't give a shit about that. People used to make it seem like that was a weak thing. I don't know, I think that it's not. I think you just recognize you can call it loyalty if you want, but I just think it's reciprocation, everything she did for us. I'm always going to fill her cup or try to do whatever I can do to do that, because she's earned that and she deserves that. Or try to do whatever I can do to do that because she's earned that and she deserves that. And it's like I know I don't owe her anything, you know, because I didn't ask to be here, I didn't ask to come into this world, I didn't ask to be in this situation. So it's not like I owe her, but I'm always going to give her because, like to me, she earned it. You know, like she hasn't done anything to get the opposite, you know, whereas like he, he didn't earn anything, he got a lot, he got more than he deserved. You know and again, I don't want to make this like this is a bashing him, but this is probably the single biggest thing. If I had to pick one thing that that really impacted my well-being, my mental health, and it would be that you know because my well-being, my mental health, and it would be that you know. Because, again, to go back to what I told my buddy, knowing there's a hand out there, that's a shitty feeling, man, even as an adult. That's a shitty feeling when you know there's a hand out there and if you reach out it won't reach back to you. I'd rather just go through life thing, man, ain't no hand there just by myself, you know, or or whatever you know. So like, yeah, it's, and it's interesting, because we were supposed to meet back in fall. Yep and um, I was telling you I told you this before we started recording that I was going to use this as my, you know, to get my stuff off my chest for him and hope that maybe he would watch it. But, uh, unfortunately why's not unfortunate? But we didn't get to connect at that point. But I think it's better now because I've went through it, so now I can really talk about it and express it probably more articulately so that people can understand, because I've had time to go through it and process it. Understand because I've had time to go through it and process it. Yeah, you know it's, it's, that's probably been the single most impactful thing in my life, I think is just that relationship. And again, I probably sound like a broken record, but when I have people wanting to be in my life, like even people that you know, like your future mother-in-law's boyfriend wants to spend more time with you than your own dad. Then you start to recognize like, um, I'm worth it, like it wasn't. It wasn't that I'm not worth it. You know that I'm not deserving it's. It's, it's you you're the problem, not me anymore, and I think even at my age, you know not that I'm old. I say that like I'm old people, but I'm 40, like that's. That's a lot of life to have lived. You know, 40 years old, to to finally. So it's not too late, you know, I, I think you, you hear people again like older people, like ah, and it's like, no, it's not too late, man, it's not too late. It's never too late to get help. It's not too late to talk about things. It's not. You're not as a man, like you're not a bitch for being, and I should have asked about swearing in your podcast but, um, you know, you're not a bitch for for being vulnerable, for expressing your emotions. We were given these things. These things have always been a part of us feelings, emotions like they've been suppressed because that's what society has told you to do. You don't do these things if you're a man, but that has got us to a place where we have toxic masculinity and we have narcissists, you know, and all this stuff. That's what got it. So we need to undo that, you know. So again, like I was telling my fiance when we were watching the clips from you know your other guests, I'm like man, these guys got crazy stories. Like I feel like I was telling my fiance when we were watching the clips from you know your other guests, I'm like man, these guys got crazy stories. Like I feel like I'm just like a normal dude, like I don't have a, you know, battling addiction or alcoholism. I mean, I did, but like not, you know, I didn't get to a point where I was like at rock bottom or anything like that. And I'm like what am I going to offer? Like, what do I going to offer? Like what do I have to offer listeners that can meet like up to what these other guys have given? You know, and my fiancee told me she's like your story matters. Yes, because you're somebody, every story matters. And so I feel like if you know somebody can relate to this and say, yeah, you know what I learned something from that guy. Like that's really all I aspire in life. To me, that's success. Even going back to the high school thing money. I realize school's not my thing. I don't want to go to school. It's just unfortunate in this day and age you have to if you want certain jobs.

John: 2:34:46

Not even nowadays. That's even falling away now.

Cisco: 2:34:48

Yeah it's true You've got people working at walmart that that probably should be doing other things. But, um, if, to me, success is my and I look at my mom as a prime example like she didn't go to college, she had kids at 17, 18 years old. Right, she waitressed and hostess and so people might look at her and say, nah, she's not, wasn't successful. You know what I mean. But the type of person she is. She raised four kids in the circumstances that she did and literally I could take you to my mom's house right now. She'd feed you, she'd make sure you're good, she'd take care of you, she would make you feel like part of the family. Right, and to me that's the most successful you can be is having that impact on other people. So, like again to go back, if this is my last day and I leave here all those people at at my funeral, I already know the people in my circle, the people that I give my energy to. They give back. They're going to talk about the impact that I had on their life and and the type of person that I was to them and and I think that's as successful as you can get, man, because you can be rich. People don't remember that shit. No, nobody remembers how many dead rich guys are there yeah, right, tons. But the guys like my Uncle Sil, my Uncle Frankie, tito, mark, people remember those people. I will always remember them. If something ever happened to one of those guys, I'll take that with me forever. I will always remember the type of person they were and what they did for me. And I think you can't measure that. No, you know what I mean and that to me, is success. When you got something that people can't measure, that's success right there. And I think if people take that from this, I'm successful, then because they have learned, like you know what, that shit don't matter. You know you can have cars, you can have houses, you can have. I never wanted any of that.

John: 2:36:38

All I wanted was time, experience, Adding positive value to the world around you, adding positive value to the people close in your life, that's success. Yeah, just being somebody who adds positive value to people. And it's amazing because it can be simple, it can just be giving people compliments, it can just little be walking into the same grocery store you walk into every day and giving a clerk a compliment on something and making them feel good. That's me, man, yeah.

Cisco: 2:37:07

I love that. I love that dude. That's awesome. It's mostly because I work from home and don't get to socialize. But again, man, people pick up our energy. They do. And I think to me that's again to go back to the success, man, what are you putting out, like you know, the positive energy? Because life is short, man, people go through so many things. There's people that have it easier than me. There so many things. There's people that have it easier than me. There's people that have it way harder than me, you know. And so what can I do with my life that maybe, even if it's just a moment in somebody's life, makes it?

John: 2:37:41

a little bit easier. You know I'll do that so Well. To wrap up the podcast, I always like to ask this question. I don't even know if I ask for every single one, but it's one. I like to ask is if you can give any advice to your younger self. You know where you are now, some of the growth and maturity you've gained now. Is there any advice that you think you'd specifically give to yourself at a younger age?

Cisco: 2:38:00

I think it would define success. Okay, I would give that. If I could go back, I would just say, hey, this is what success is, because I think you get caught up. It's easy to get caught up in a world where you want money, you want a certain type of job, you want a certain type of cars, you want a house, you want to look a certain way, right, and at the end of the day, there's so many people that have those things and they're not happy and you get one crack at life. You know, I guess, depending on who you talk to, right, conspiracy theorist, maybe you believe in reincarnation, whatever. But at this point, you know you, you get this one life here and to me, just being happy is you can't take money with you, you can't take any of those things with you. What you can take, what you leave, is really the most important thing. So, yeah, I think I would just go back, because then I think I wouldn't. I don't think it would be as hard for me if I knew that, like you know what, I don't need my dad, I don't need money, I don't need school, I'll be okay.

John: 2:39:07

I just got to make sure that I protect my energy and keep, keep good people around me, so yeah, if only a lot more kids kind of understood that, which is hard because they see the world we live in, they see the materialism we live in and it's hard not to get caught up in that but to understand that, like, success is how much love can you have and share with those around you and those experiences you have with them. And, yeah, yeah, it's unfortunate as a kid you're too young to really truly understand that.

Cisco: 2:39:32

Yeah, because you get so caught up in Well, I think I don't want to be a boomer, but I think social media is changing that for people.

John: 2:39:39

Oh yeah.

Cisco: 2:39:40

And I know that people are like oh, it's because you're old, but I'm the original social media age, like Facebook. Facebook you had to have. When I was on facebook, you had to have a college uh email just to even get an account yeah, so like I'm one of the originals myspace and all that, like, so you could call me boomer about it, but I do think it's. There's so much, you're just so much access and it's like you now you don't know, and that was ai. You don't know what's real or fake, you think yeah that guy's partying with those girls and he's got a plane, and now you don't know, and that was AI. You don't know what's real or fake. You think, oh, that guy's partying with those girls and he's got a plane and all, and you don't know.

John: 2:40:13

It's like damn that's not his plane.

Cisco: 2:40:15

That's like he's just at an airport taking pictures and he paid those girls to be like.

John: 2:40:19

Well, that's a whole business, right? There's businesses like that, where you can like rent a land hold, for I'll be the boomer.

Cisco: 2:40:25

I don't care, I'm a old head, but yeah.

John: 2:40:28

Well, no, but okay. Well, this has been great. Thank you so much for coming on for the podcast today. It was. I think you have a great story that I think a lot of people are going to relate to this and I guarantee you you're probably going to get some messages about it. I'm sure I'll get a message about it. Like somebody will relate to this story. I think this is something that a lot of people have been through in some sense or another, where they have a parental figure that they want to continue to put on a pedestal and they're kind of constantly met with disappointment of it, especially for men, where they just don't talk about it. So the fact that you were willing to come out here and talk about it today, I think it will relate to a lot of guys and I think a lot of men will appreciate hearing it. Um, even from perspective from a woman, to hear kind of a man talk about that, because, like, that has a a real impact on us, yeah, um, but so thank you, I appreciate it, I appreciate you thanks for the opportunity man can, I, can I plug my podcast? real quick.

Cisco: 2:41:23

One more time, please do you guys want to hear two guys that barely know what the hell they're talking about the talk about sports. Check us out the 414 deli. Uh, spotify and apple podcast uh, again, we're just two normal dudes talking sports. But if you're tired of hearing steven a and those guys, just give us a listen.

John: 2:41:40

I appreciate it well, thank you guys for uh listening to another episode of unturned stones. Uh, if you guys enjoyed this, please follow the podcast and follow us anywhere you can on social media Facebook, instagram and Spotify and Apple are always the big ones that we're obviously dropping all the episodes to. Otherwise, more content will continue getting dropped here in the future. Thank you guys, have a good day awesome man.